Some thoughts about the new movement back towards celibacy in relationships. My first thought was that this is an old tradition. And my second thought was that it's about time.  Celibacy is no longer just for priests and nuns. It can benefit anyone who is wanting to build intimacy in their relationship. So let's bust the myth right now. Sex is not intimacy. Sex can be an expression of the love two people feel for each other in the relationship, but it can also be quite meaningless, aka booty call. So throw that out the door.  Well, then you might wonder: how can celibacy build intimacy? Let's explore that together.
             We live in a hypersexual society where sex sells and it's really not a big deal anymore. This concept is bad news for relationships because it can influence people to invest in a relationship for the sexual benefits rather than the emotional benefits of a relationship. Sex also tends to warp your perception of connection in a relationship, making you overlook bad aspects of the relationship in order to keep that person around. Only to find that in the end, without the sex, the relationship was not worth your investment. Celibacy can be one way to keep yourself objective and build the foundation of your relationship based on trust, shared values, common interests, and emotional support. All things leading to intimacy in a relationship. And when you find that you still feel emotionally connected with your partner without sex in the picture, that'll make for a longer lasting relationship. The reality is that a long term relationship will have times where sex is not part of the picture, i.e if there's a lot travel in your work or after the birth of a child. So it's important to have someone around who connects with you in other ways than sex.
               Practicing celibacy in your relationship should start with you. Decide what the purpose is for you, whether if it's to weed out partners who only want sex or if it's to find deeper meaning in your relationship. Then decide how long you will be celibate. And I would recommend at least 30 days or more after you're officially a couple, not just 30 days after the first date. You might not be exclusive after the first date, so make sure the clock starts after you both are exclusive.
               The great thing is that celibacy is not a permanent decision. Your choice to be celibate is to reach your purpose before you will engage in sex, so it's very important to stick with it. Be honest with your partner about why you're waiting and for how long. Truly, if they respect your decision and stick around then there's a higher possibility that the relationship will be built on substance rather than a facade of closeness. 

               It's been a long time since my last blog entry and a lot has happened since then. Although personal stories aren't my thing here, what I can say is that I have grown so much from being a new parent in the past year. I now have a deeper understanding of the struggle, worry, fear, and love that comes with parenting.  I also have a deeper connection with the stories and dreams that other parents have shared with me.  Never in my life have my emotions have been high and low, self esteem tested, and dreams realized in one experience.  Parenthood has been a unique journey and it continues with a new adventure every day. The past year has been all about my child, but in a way it has been all about me as well since my child depends on me to be well so I can tend well to my parental responsibilities.  I can definitely understand better now how important self care is when parenting, and how little time there really is to do that. The good thing for me is that napping and cleaning are two really good ways I relieve stress. 
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              So I am back today, making a return to something I really enjoy doing, and that is writing this blog. I hope to stay on target by posting twice a month and sharing other articles or blogs in between. Hopefully I will post more than less . But since more is better and less is more, either way I'll be doing better. 

       As a child, you know you’ve got a good friend when you can both share secrets. Sharing secrets about your school crush, future dreams, embarrassing moments, etc. actually helped make the bond of friendship stronger. Especially if you have inside jokes with each other, this is like a secret code of intimacy. You know just how much you can trust your friend from how well they keep your secret and how much they share with you. Knowing these secret details about each other strengthened your friendship. So it’s no surprise that this could also apply in your romantic relationship.

       As counterintuitive as it may sound, it’s healthy to have secrets in your relationship. Of course this is as long as the secrets are shared with your partner and not kept from him/her. Secrets in a relationship are not always bad and a romantic relationship should not be without a few good secrets (ie. your favorite weekend getaway together, how wasted you got, or what you did after getting wasted). These are secrets that you share with your partner that bring you closer. These can be experiences or intimate thoughts that only you and your partner share with each other.

      With the easy access to the internet these days, it seems that hardly anything is kept secret for long anymore. What you share with your partner can also be shared with anyone online. Even the most private moments can easily be shared online for anyone to see. Of course if this floats your boat, I have no objections. But as a word of caution, consider keeping the most private moments in a secret folder on your computer. You’ll get a better rush knowing that it’s there but only the two of you know about it. So what’s your dirty little secret?

         Communication is always important in any relationship. For years technology has made it easier and faster for all of us to communicate. Cell phones and face time have made it possible to stay connected with loved ones and maintain closeness no matter the distance. However, sometimes a good thing can create a new problem. “Phubbing” is a word hybrid for phone snubbing, defined when you are more into your phone than your conversation with your partner. It’s a new conflict for couples since your phone becomes a third wheel in your relationship.
         These are some signs that you’re phubbing your partner. When you’re having dinner with your partner, you answer your phone. You’ve shushed your partner because you were trying to finish watching a youtube clip. You’ve hugged your partner with phone in hand. A nice quiet evening with your partner has been interrupted by the sound of a beep/ding and you running to your phone.
         With technology these days, it’s becoming more common that we have a closer relationship with our phone than with our partner. If you literally count the hours that you spend with your partner versus your phone, whether it’s browsing the net, watching videos, or posting on instagram, which number would come on top? I’m not here to judge because it’s an honest truth to admit this to yourself and can be a helpful admission to your relationship. So here are some ways to make phubbing less of a problem in your relationship.

1. Schedule to have alone time with your phone once a day. This time should be uninterrupted time where you and your phone have privacy away from distractions of your relationship.
2. Have a conversation with your partner about the significance of your phone, and how your partner’s needs are negatively impacting your relationship with your phone.
3. Let your partner know how your phone feels excluded when you are having fun or spending time solely with your partner.  

         Relationships need understanding, compromise, and acceptance. ​ Essentially, if you are able to help your partner understand the importance of your relationship with your phone then your partner will eventually come around to compromise and accept that he/she shouldn’t come in between you and your phone.