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Marriage Loves Company

5/24/2015

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             Wedding season usually starts in spring and is a fresh reminder of the bliss that marriage can bring two people. But how long does this bliss last and what about it makes  people continuously search or fight for it? Are married people really happier than their unmarried counterparts?
             For one thing, there is such a thing as marital bliss. It's also called the honeymoon phase and can last anywhere from 3 months after the wedding to 2 years. If you've ever been on vacation and met a of couple of newlyweds, you can usually see the honeymoon phase written on their faces. So let's not compare unmarried life to this phase in marriage because it would be an unfair comparison. It's what comes after the honeymoon phase that can give insight into whether or not  people are happier after being married.  
          Marriage does have many physical and psychological perks. For example married people are more likely to live longer, get sick less often, and have lower rates of depression.  And it's not surprising that this is true because you are more likely to take care of yourself or be taken care of if you are married.  Your partner looks out for you and likewise. However, every marriage is not the same. Just looking around you,  I'm sure you can see that married people can be happy or miserable. I'm sure you know at least one or two married individuals who just want to get out of the marriage or stays for the wrong reasons. In these cases, marriage can decrease a person's immune system and increase mental stress. After all, it really comes down to what kind of relationship you build in your marriage that fosters your level of happiness. 
          Marriage does not by itself bring more happiness, and just like wealth or fame, the bliss dwindles with time. The reality is that happiness in a marriage comes from hard work and commitment to the relationship. People who build a strong foundation in their marriage and foster a strong friendship with their partner are more likely to sustain their happiness and experience the benefits of having a life long partner. Humans are social creatures and we were all born to love. Overall, marriage and happiness is always about  how you nurture your relationship.
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Children will Mirror You

5/17/2015

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            Self awareness is such an essential part of being a parent. Not only will you be taking care of your own needs, but you are also responsible for meeting the needs of your child/children. Being self aware enhances your ability to separate your needs from your child's needs, ensuring that your actions are in the best interest of your child. From my experience working with parents and children, I find that this last part is the trickiest. Sometimes without malice or intention, many parents respond to their children in order to meet their own needs. So let's look at this further.
           Your children come from you and your partner and while they will have their own personalities and quirks, they also have many qualities they received biologically from you and your partner. Such things include temperament and shyness or extroversion. In addition to this, their personality and social behaviors will be deeply influenced by the way you and your partner respond to each other and to them.  I have posted about the importance of appropriate parental interaction and how this interaction impacts children emotionally. Therefore I won't focus too much about that in this post. However, I do want to point out how you can learn about yourself through your children's responses to you.
            First and foremost, we have to start on the same page that children mirror their parents. They mirror their parent's  verbal/non-verbal interaction, emotional responses to each other, and social interaction with others. Children are always watching, listening, and learning, even when it doesn't seem like they are. To be fair, there are certain behaviors that children engage in because they are kids (ie. tantrums, whining, etc). The behaviors I'm referring to are patterns that have been established due to their re-occurrence. For example, a 2 year old tantrumming is ok, but a 10 year old tantrumming is not. 
            So what can you learn about yourself? For one thing, if your child has an irritating habit (leaving things around, yelling, complaining, etc) then the best way to address it is by looking at yourself first. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to this habit. Do you yell at your child and then pick up the mess for him/her? Do you often complain about your spouse, how you look, your neighbors. etc? Perhaps these are clues about your behaviors. If your child tends to engage in irritating behaviors that mirror your partner, how do you respond? Most likely the way you respond to your spouse will be similar to the way you respond to your child. So if you are aware and can find a positive way to respond to your child, that solution could also work with your partner. 
           Lastly, parenting to meet your child's needs is about keeping in perspective what your child needs to grow physically, emotionally, and socially at that given time. For example, when your child is being punished, do you often  let your guilt sway you into getting your child a lesser or no consequence? If so, then you are parenting to meet your needs. Your need to feel loved by your child or to be accepted has gotten in the way of your child's need to learn that choices have  consequences, and that he/she must learn to accept those consequences. 
           It takes a lot of strength to look at yourself in the mirror and admit any faults. But doing so will allow you to be a more present and aware parent, and intentionally model behaviors for your children.  When people say that parenting is the hardest job you'll do, they are correct.  
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Mom's Special Place

5/10/2015

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           Moms will always have a special piece of our heart because we share a bond with them that is irreplaceable and incomparable to any other relationship we will ever have.  All moms are different, and not all moms are who we need them to be, but all moms do give their children the love that they are capable of giving. Sometimes this is more or less than what we need. Nevertheless celebrate her whether or not she is who you wish she could be. And despite the heartache, celebrate her whether or not she is still around. 
         What can you love about your mom? Let us count the ways. 

1. She loved you even before she met you
2. She lets you eat first or get her share of your favorite food
3. Eating her home cooked meals always makes you feel like a kid again
4. She worried for you so you could make reckless decisions as a teenager
5. She forgave you for each time you were ever mad, ungrateful, or said "I hate you"
6. She's not perfect, but gave you her all anyway
7. She always believes in you, even when she doesn't agree with you
8. Giving you tough love hurt her more than you
9. She always wants the best for you, even when you're grown
10. Being your mom is the hardest job and best thing she'll ever do
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Empower Your Life

5/3/2015

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             May is mental health awareness month. Although the purpose of this blog has been to share information relating to self awareness, mental wellness, and relationship health, which are tied in with mental health, I do not often make "mental health" the explicit message in my blog posts.  I find that mental health awareness should be something in the fore front of our minds and not just allocated to one month a year. But of course, I am biased about this. Nevertheless, I do want to draw attention to some important points about mental health awareness month.
         There are so many people in our community who can be considered as having "mental health" issues, such as our uncle who drinks too much, our friend who can't seem to hold down a stable job, or our co-worker who is in an emotionally abusive relationship. These individuals may or may not recognize that their circumstances are impacting their mental health. Sometimes we may not realize how our circumstances impact our mental health until other things alert us, like health problems, losing a job, or our children acting out in school. Mental health awareness is about staying aware of our thoughts and feelings, so we can intervene at early signs of emotional trouble. 
            Mental health problems are very prominent in our society for many reasons that I won't get into detail about. The point here is that we are all susceptible to having mental health problems. As long as there are bills to be paid, expectations to be met, relationships that we have, or natural disasters in our community, there is potential for being impacted mentally. A part of living is coping with what comes our way, positive or negative. It's always easier to cope with the positive things, but it's the negative things that challenge us the most. Accepting that we are susceptible to having mental health problems can help increase our own emotional awareness and ability to ask for help when we can't cope on our own.  
           There are some problems we should seek help for, and some problems that we can cope with on our own. But always keep in mind that even a small gesture of kindness can really help improve our and another's mental health. Paying attention is key and can make a big difference. We can help by being attuned to the emotions of those we care about and doing something about it when we feel their pain  (like giving a hug, taking them to lunch,  listening without judgement, or validating their feelings). Small gestures can be first steps to helping ourselves or others heal from emotional hurt. They can empower us to find the positives in very  negative situations, and help us cope through. So during this month, how can you empower yourself to increase your emotional awareness?
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