A strong marriage is like a house. It's built on a solid foundation with hopes and dreams. And along with hard work, sweat, frustration, times of wanting to give up, and perseverance, the house will weather whatever storm nature has to offer. But of course, every house also needs daily care and occasional touching up. Strong houses which do not receive daily TLC, eventually may start having cracks and crumbles that makes it vulnerable to the environment. The following list will highlight 5 things you can do daily to keep your marriage strong. 
        1) Validate your partner. Whether your partner is having a bad day or excited about a football game, it's an opportunity for you to validate. Validation serves to show your partner that you see their situation and you acknowledge their experience of it. It translates to "I understand you" and strengthens your bond with each other. I've seen too many times when couples jump to rescue their partner by giving them a solution or they jump to criticize. These are unhelpful responses and they're equivalent to hitting your house with a hammer. Here are some examples of validation: if your partner is having a bad day, say You really had a tough day, work really sucked for you today, etc. If your partner is excited about a job promotion, say You're really proud of yourself. 
         2) Say "yes" to a request they ask of you. Admit it, you say "no" way more than you say "yes" when your partner asks something of you. Don't beat yourself up for doing this, because you have good reasons to say "no".  However, saying "no" is like putting off cleaning the spiderwebs outside your house. After awhile, it builds up and you find yourself caught in an invisible and sticky web. Don't let that happen. Even if you're extremely tired, say "yes" when you partner asks you to give him/her something to drink. 
         3) Touch your partner. Never underestimate the power of touch. We rely on our sight, but seeing is deceiving. Ever walk into a glass door? Well if you used your sense of touch, you would have known it was there instead of finding out after your head banged into it. True story! So touch, whether it's a kiss, holding hands, hugging, or playing footsies. This can be so much more intimate than sex.
         4) Share a meal together. Children and work can make it difficult to eat meals together, but should not be an excuse. You should find time to share at least one meal together. Dinner on weekdays, maybe lunch or breakfast together on weekends. Whatever your schedule, the important thing is finding the time to share a meal. Breaking bread has been a bonding experience for centuries, and that's reason enough to make time for this in our relationships. 
         5) Laugh out loud. Believe it or not, but marriages that outlast others are ones where couples can laugh about their problems. The more serious you feel about an issue, the more power the issue has over your relationship and the harder it is to overcome. I'm not saying make a joke of every issue, but sometimes you need to sit back and ask yourself if things are really that serious. So even if you don't laugh about your problems because they are all serious issues, then laugh about other things. Just laugh with your partner and let the endorphins do the rest. 

            If you've completed an online quiz about control, then you're already to a good start in reading this blog post. Because I will be discussing how control impacts our relationships, primarily with our romantic partners. "Control" is not a new topic of discussion. It's probably a beaten down subject that you've heard about many times before. So hopefully this post will be useful to you.
           Most likely you've heard or thought that needing or having control is bad for you or your relationships. Actually, I'd like to point out that it's not a bad thing. Imagine on a large scale what our city would be if there were not someone trying to exert control or in this case "order" to our city. It would be chaos. Assuming that we all want to live in an orderly city where we can thrive, it makes perfect sense that we would want that orderliness in our own lives. It's necessary to need to feel there is a certain amount of control in our lives. And here it comes, however there is  a fine line we need to draw between chaos and order. 
           I have known people so bent on having control or fearing they may lose control, that order and harmony is no longer the goal. These people are so rigid because of their controlling ways, that they create chaos around them. Too much or too little control is bad. Goldilocks was right! We need control, but the amount should be "just right". So in what ways does "control" impact our relationships? Firstly, it challenges the balance of a healthy relationship. There is no perfect or one size fits all way to describe a healthy relationship, but one aspect of a healthy relationship is where both partners feel equal, despite what roles or responsibilities they have. When we exert too much control into our relationship, and conflict arises, then this means that the relationship's balance has been tipped. For example, a husband demanding his wife be home at exactly the same time everyday, will usually result in conflict. In this example, the husband's demand signifies that he no longer sees his wife as an equal partner in the relationship. If he did, she would have equal say in whether or not this demand is reasonable. He exerts his power/control over the situation by making this demand.
           The sad part is that many times "control" is exerted from good intentions. However if you hear your partner saying "you're so controlling" or "stop trying to control me", then this is feedback that your good intentions are not very nice. And definitely not working for your relationship. So take a step back, put yourself in your partner's shoes, and then ask yourself whether or not you would want to be controlled in that way. Most likely the answer is "no". 

              One of the biggest risk you will take in your relationship is intimacy. Intimacy, as defined by a professor I had once, is the "vulnerable sharing of oneself". It's like standing naked in front of your partner, while they have a microscope to examine every speck of you, and still standing after it's over. It's more than just sex. So if you're thinking that your intimacy is great with your partner because you have lots of sex, sorry that's not entirely true. Intimacy deepens the act of sex, but it does not equal sex. 
              I'd like to explain intimacy as being able to share your dreams, your past, things you are ashamed about, your fears, and worries with your partner, and feeling closer to them after doing so.  Now it's very possible that your partner may not be capable of intimacy with you, and you may not know until you're hurt or feeling shut out. But this is why intimacy is a risk you take. There is no guarantee of reciprocity. Most people are capable of intimacy (some definitely are not), but it really can depend on the person and the timing. That is why many relationships that start as platonic, usually do not go beyond that. And slow building relationships, can become unexpectedly intimate.
              What can help you build intimacy in your romantic relationship starts with you. Your own ability to identify your fears, feelings of shame, etc. and accept them in yourself enhances your ability to share these intimate parts of yourself to someone else. It usually works best to build intimacy slowly, by sharing deeper parts of yourself as the relationship progresses and as your partner expresses validation and positive regard towards you.  Showing only the "best" side of yourself may help at the start of the relationship, but it may leave you feeling fake. As silly or cliche as it may be, deep inside we all really just want to be accepted for who we are. Being able to share and be your true self is intimacy.

            Many times couples say "I do" with the misconception that they are getting married to "the one" for them and this person will always be who they are. I mean why else would you be marrying "the one"? Well there are many other reasons too, but let's leave that for reality TV or Dr. Phil to analyze. I'm talking about most people who are getting married not for fame or TV ratings. For women, most of the time we are aware of our partner's flaws and may either choose to accept or overlook them, in hopes that they will change over time. For men, many times you accept your partner's flaws "as is", and choose to be with them for reasons beyond their flaws. Healthy choices. Yay, you are on the right track. But perhaps, after a few months or years of marriage, you may find that your partner has developed new not so easy to accept habits or have not really changed their old habits for the better. So when does the derailing happen? 
            Let me start by saying, life and  marriage is all about derailment. You must be thinking WTH or how scary is this right? So give me a chance to elaborate. When has your life ever stayed on track or on the same track that you have been on since the beginning of your life? Unless you're a robot or a cyborg, which would be very cool, I'm sure there have been times when you were thrown "off track" in life.  We rarely stay on the same track in life, not because life sucks or is unfair, but because we are constantly changing and evolving as people. You need to change tracks in life when things are not going well, when you want things to get better, or when you find that the set of tracks you're on has taken you as far as you needed. 
            Ok, so now I'll get to the point about how this relates to marriage. It's impossible not to change and impossible to change others. Sure we can influence others, but it's their choices/behaviors that create the changes we see. Before looking at how your partner has changed, I encourage you to look at how you have changed since getting married. Has your patience become thinner, have your criticisms increased, or have your encouragement/support decreased? 
            Imagine your marriage or relationship as two trains connected on one track. One day you might wake up realizing you're on a different track, and without  notice your partner merged onto a new track taking you with him/her. The merge was so subtle you could not detect it, but now your relationship is going in a new, perhaps unknown, direction. This is how subtle real life change is. It's undeniable that small subtle changes in each partner, can create a new direction in a relationship. What I want to impart to you, is that these "merges" will happen, with or without you being in control. So I encourage you to be aware of your choices and behaviors, which is the only way you can effect the direction of your relationship, and choo-choo-choose the right track for you.