If you've ever been in a relationship where your partner clung onto you, missed you excessively,  called you two minutes before you arrive to check if you're alright, and in other words, was "needy"- then continue reading. If you've been in this kind of relationship and felt annoyed by this, then there is actually something wrong with you; not the other way around. Just kidding. But in all seriousness, there is nothing unnatural about being needy.  It's actually more unnatural to be not needy. 
         As I shared in the previous entry about the human drive to connect, being needy is also a natural part of being human. Say what??? In our American society today, we value independence right? And many times, this contributes to the belief that being "too needy" is bad or wrong. We try to strive to need only ourselves and no one else. But seriously, how many people do you really know who do not need anyone? Social media would not be what it is without our internal need to be needed and need others. What do you think is the point of selfies? It feeds into our need to be admired, loved, and receive attention from others. So even when we try to get rid of this "neediness" by being independent, self-sufficient, and critical of those who are "needy", we eventually fall short at the end of the day. Our biological wiring to need others eventually win over. Our independent mindset actually can contribute to how depressed, anxious, addicted to things, or over medicated we are. If we actually listened to our need to connect with people and allow ourselves to connect as it unfolds, we might actually attain world peace. Umm no, not reallly. But...... we might actually feel good today and expect a better tomorrow. 
          Just to clarify, there are some people who are way too "needy" or controlling in a relationship and it does drive the relationship to the ground. But that is another issue for another blog post.

             Humans are social creatures. Many times we forget or maybe choose to ignore this truth. Last week, I wrote about commitment issues and today I want to follow up with a similar topic. Although this might sound more like the opposite end of commitment because today's topic is about having no strings attached relationships. Yes! I am going there.
            Whether you are in a committed relationship (ie. married, engaged, long term, etc), in serial monogamous relationships, or single, there might come a time when you consider or maybe have considered the ever infamous No Strings Attached relationship.  It seems to have become more common or normal rather than taboo in society today. No strings attached or friends with benefits, whatever you want to call it, is simply a way of saying "I will be with you when I need you, but will not be there when you want or need me".  Let's be honest here. No strings attached is not about anyone else but YOU. Yes, I agree that both parties have agreed on this arrangement so why should it be a big deal? It is a a big deal because this arrangement has more impact on you than you really think. 
             Consider this: each time you have great sex or a pleasurable time with someone, your mind creates a connection. Overtime, that connection is like an invisible string that connects you with that person. This is how mothers and fathers bond with babies and this is why babies cry when they have a need and parents are not present. For adults, we don't have such an apparent need for others because for the most part, we are capable of taking care of ourselves. However we never get rid of that need for connection. Because human connection is what kept us alive and helped us grow when we could not help ourselves. Human connection is pleasurable. Of course, I must say I'm referring to most people with the exception of people who have anti-social personality (which is totally a different topic). 
           Please don't misunderstand, I'm not here to say no strings attached relationships cannot work out or that it's a bad thing. To each his/her own. But do understand, that the no strings attached concept actually does creates strings between you and others (just watch the movie No Strings Attached).  So tread carefully when you venture down this road or you might trip over something.

           What does that even mean? I often hear from people that they or their partner has commitment Issues.  Which is usually just misinterpreted and might mean that you've seen one too many Hollywood rom-coms. Truthfully speaking, if you or your partner had commitment issues then you wouldn't be in a relationship right? So lets focus more on the real issues that "commitment issues" may be hiding.
             Many times when I hear about a couple's commitment issues, I hear there's difficulty in moving from one phase (perhaps dating) to the next phase (usually marriage). Or at times I'll hear that the commitment issue is about difficulty staying monogamous or cheating. These are actually two different issues that were lumped together and generalized as "commitment issues".  So instead of working on the real issues, couples are caught up in fixing the wrong problem. In other words, if you have bad brakes and you only change your tires, you're still going to find yourself having trouble stopping.  Many people have difficulty sticking to just one relationship or moving onto marriage in a relationship, and treating these two situations the same way is just scratching the surface. Although it may sound like therapy must be the only answer, it's not necessarily true. I'd like to share with you some tips in uncovering what may be underneath the "commitment" problem your partner may be displaying.
           First, I would suggest looking at his/her other relationships. Ask yourself, does he/she have other relationships where he/she has been dedicated, committed, and followed through? Does he/she have any successful long term relationships, other than with you? This will help you determine whether the problem is in your particular relationship or something that is more personal to your partner. Secondly, I would suggest examining your own feelings and behaviors. Have you contributed to this problem by what you have been saying or how you've behaved with your partner? Have you put extra pressure on him/her unnecessarily? Lastly, I would suggest you both talk about what this relationship means to each of you. What would it mean to end or continue the relationship, and do you both have a common purpose in the relationship?
             However, I will say as a disclaimer to ask these questions of your relationship only when you are willing to commit yourself to the answers. 

             Stress has gotten a bad rap over the years. It’s been associated or blamed for causing things such as heart attacks, high blood pressure, and of course depression or anxiety. While all of this is somewhat true, the reality is that stress is essentially neither good or bad. It just is. It’s a message your body is trying to send you about your environment or at least, your interpretation of your environment. Stress can either propel you to finish that 10 page paper or it can put you into such agony that you cannot go beyond your front door. Most of the time, our interpretation of our stress is what determines the negative or positive effects of stress.

             Stress management is really underrated. The lasting effects and wonderful health benefits of stress management is something that most of us often overlook. We live in a world that is always on the go. Like: sports practice, taking care of kids, or work. This is bad because this makes us overlook how we are handling stress and sometimes high stress can become a norm. This is probably what contributes to high blood pressure and other health problems associated with stress.

            Managing stress or dealing with stress is something we can do simply by taking a moment of solace every day. Meditate, read a book, take a bath, or get a massage. This quick break in your day will create a ripple effect in your mind and body. I recommend this website http://www.fragrantheart.com/cms/free-audio-meditations/relaxation/stress-relief and encourage you to practice relaxation every day. Keep your mind and body healthy.

             Stonewalling is the fourth horseman of the apocalypse and usually pokes its head out with the presence of the other horsemen (defensiveness, contempt, and criticism) . It's exactly as it sounds. You build a wall up to block out anything that your partner is saying and withdraw from the conversation. Maybe you have done this once or twice. So what is so bad about this? We've all been in that conversation where it feels like nothing will make it end until we stop talking first. 
            Occasional stonewalling is not bad. However, doing this consistently during an argument or as a way to deal with your partner's communication can become detrimental to the relationship. So what's the harm? People who stonewall repeatedly refuse to respond and appear to have an invisible shield up. They might tune out by turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors. They usually do this as a way to end the arguing, but at times this actually escalates the arguing. It is frustrating and even infuriating when dealing with a stonewaller. The point it is bad for the relationship is when you engage in stonewalling because it's the best way for you to resolve the argument, when this becomes the only resolution. 
           What to do instead: when you are reaching your boiling point, first STOP. Secondly, take a break from each other and do something that can calm you down (listening to music, taking a shower). Only return after at least 20 minutes or more, and find a way to acknowledge what your partner was feeling. Acknowledging your partner's feelings first can decrease tension such as defensiveness and contempt (which are the other horsemen), and encourage more open conversation.