There's this really, really, really old song by the Eagles called "love will keep us alive." Although a beautiful line to say to your girlfriend, husband, or partner this cannot be further from the truth. Lines like these set us up to search for that one person whom we love so much, we need nothing else. But of course, if you've read my other posts, you will already know that we humans have many needs. We do need more than love to keep our romantic relationships alive. Unfortunately, relationships based only on love do not often stand the test of time. Have you ever felt like you loved someone, but were not "in love" with them anymore? The truth is many times we become in love with "being in love" so there's a continual search for love. "Love" in this way fades and turns into repetition, which we quickly lose interest in.
         Another harsh reality is that we do not always at all times feel love towards our partner. At times we may feel anger, hate, or rejection towards our partner. And it's much more than love, which takes us past these painful feelings. 
         So what do we need, other than love, to keep our relationships alive then? Let me share my list with you. Can you tell I like making lists? We need friendship, which is something I've mentioned in the past. Friendship is a solid foundation for a strong relationship because it's built on the commonalities we have with our partner. It's built from shared values or beliefs we have. It's a strong foundation to build intimacy, trust, admiration, forgiveness, and shared dreams. These five things along with love and friendship are important ingredients to a lasting relationship. Perhaps you have a few more ingredients than what is listed here, and that's perfectly fine. The important part is to identify those ingredients, share it with your partner, and get on the same page about what keeps your relationship alive. 

A few posts ago I wrote about being "too needy", and how people should be given a break about this. Besides it's absolutely how we survive. However, it's also important to address that sometimes our need to get our "needs" met can contribute to the demise of our relationships. This is how it sometimes happen.......
         Ally and Billy have been going out for 8 months and they have been getting along great. Billy calls Ally every night. They either talk for hours or just say good night to each other. However, for the past two weeks Billy has been quite distracted and distant. He hasn't called in the evenings as consistently as before and he cancelled a dinner date on Ally once. He explained that he was working towards a promotion at work, and has been stressed by the extra work he was taking on. He also explained that his boss has been nagging him about deadlines and he has been working late with co-workers. Ally becomes more upset when she sees a facebook tag of him with a group of people, and wonders how he has time for this if he were so busy. Ally finally confronts Billy, and they have a big fight. He says he cannot take the pressure of work and her at the same time, and ends the relationship. Ally asks for forgiveness a week later, they reconcile, but the relationship ends again two weeks after. 

           Ok, I totally made up this story and any similarities it has to a real couple is just coincidental. Clearly I'm not here to blame Ally and my choice of using Ally as an example, is not to put down women by any means. This can happen to either men or women. The point is, Ally's needs were not being met in the relationship and so she sought to get her needs met by confronting Billy. However when confronting Billy, she already made up her mind that he was making more time for other things (ie. work, hanging out with others) rather than her. There was no other way this would have been resolved other than Billy choosing between "other things" and her because Ally set herself up as competition to Billy's own needs. When we pit our "needs" against our partner's "needs", most of the time our partner will choose to meet their own needs over ours. 
          This example is not to suggest that we must put other's needs over ours to make the relationship work. On the contrary, we should discuss how our needs and our partner's needs fit together. This is one way Ally may have been able to resolve this issue. In conclusion, it is important to evaluate what your needs are in a relationship. If your needs are not being met, then you may need to evaluate whether staying in the relationship at that time is valuable enough to put off meeting your own needs. Often times this is the hard part because it requires us to make an evaluation of ourselves first. 

        This is what most of us have heard from stories and even movies, but rarely do we see or hear in the stories/movies the part that explains how they lived happily ever after.  Dr. Gary Chapman's book about the 5 love languages is an exceptional way to explain how we speak love differently and explains how we can make love last in our relationships. Knowing your own love language and knowing your partner's love language helps you understand one another better. More importantly, knowing your partner's love language allows you to better speak it.
         Have you ever wondered why giving your partner elaborate gifts dazzled him/her in that moment, but she/he would still later express that they did not feel loved enough? Receiving gifts is one of the love languages, but it may not be your partner's primary language. This  means the gift was valued, but it did not fill your partner's "love tank", as Dr. Chapman calls it in his book. Filling your partner's love tank is a part of keeping the love alive in a relationship. Think of the love tank as a bank. If you don't put money in your bank account, there's not much to draw from when you need it. So when our love tank is full, we are less likely to feel that emptiness. After taking the love language quiz, you should have an idea of your partner's and your own love languages. When you know, figure out ways to express love in your partner's language. For example, if your partner's love language is acts of service, then you could do a few extra chores for him/her. If their love language is physical touch, then you can hold their hand when you're together or give them a massage after a long day. If their love language is words of affirmation, then write them a love letter or praise them for something they've done. 
          So all of this may sound like a lot of work right? I have two answers to that. Firstly, duh! Of course a long lasting relationship takes work. But isn't your partner worth it? If they aren't, then that's another discussion for later. Secondly, when you truly have a loving relationship, the "work" will not feel like work at all. 

If you have not taken it yet, here is a link to a brief version of the love language quiz: 
http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Quiz/The-5-Love-Languages-Quiz.aspx?QID=906510f6-c610-402e-b547-b28a81e27914

      Remember in grade school when you were full of innocence and the furthest thing from your mind was getting married? If you're reading this post, most likely you have passed that stage. If you are talking about marriage with your partner or in a relationship heading towards that direction, the following are topics of discussion I would recommend airing out before you tie the knot. 
Warning! Side effects of asking the following questions might include arguing, feeling hurt or irritated with your partner, and result in more questions than answers. You should not ask these questions when your partner is hungry, sick, or already in a bad mood.
        And with that out of the way, let's continue. All questions are equally important, so I will list them in no particular order.

1. Do you want children?  
Although the answer to this question, may change over time, it is crucial to discuss whether or not you want children because children are a huge stressor for marriages. Children bring on stress and can trigger the ugliest side of ourselves, so don't assume that your partner does want children. Don't assume that you can change your partner's belief about having children either. Having this discussion before your marriage, will ensure that you both have entered the marriage with the knowledge of one another's expectations about having children.

2.  What financial responsibilities/commitments do you  have now?
Money is a very scary topic to talk about. Most people would rather not talk about it, but it will come up even if you avoid it. This question is important to ask and know fully before marriage because you will inherit your partner's financial problems once you get married. Knowing how much debt they have can give you insight about their spending and saving habits, and how they prioritize paying their bills. It can also let you know if they help out their family financially or what not. Again don't assume that once you're married, your partner will immediately change their financial priorities to fit yours. They've been doing what they have for many years, and it's a habit likely to continue.

3. What religion will we practice in our family?
Oh so important, but a touchy subject to discuss. Whether you practice the same or different religion, I cannot stress the importance of talking about this before marriage. Usually I recommend couples having the same faith, but in some cases couples can make it work with two faiths. However, this question is about practicing faith in your family, which includes your future children. So even if you both have your own faith, will you children as well? And which faith would they practice?

4. How will we spend the holidays?
If you don't celebrate any holidays, then this question is irrelevant to you. But perhaps, discussing how often you will visit each family is more of the issue. Especially if you do not live in town with them. Having this discussion will prevent future hurt or defensiveness about spending too much or too little time with one side of the family.

5. What are your beliefs about divorce?
This question will probably catch you off guard because it's seems silly to ask about divorce if you're not even married yet. However, this question is actually more about assessing your partner's beliefs about issues that would a deal breaker. Your partner's convictions about marriage can also indicate that they are more likely to weather the marriage storms. It wouldn't hurt if you also ask yourself this question.