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Gifts of a Happy Relationship

11/30/2014

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            If you're looking for the perfect gift for your children or family, one place you can start looking for it is at home. Giving your children the gift of a happy relationship with your spouse is a gift that will last them a lifetime. It never goes out of style and it's a gift they can pass onto their children. Sometimes with the social messages we get about what makes the "perfect" gift or getting our children the latest technological gadgets, we lose sight of the non-tangible and long lasting gifts we can give them. 
             Your children see and know more about your relationship than what you think. For children, it's not necessary that they know details about your marital problems because they pick up on the emotional cues of your relationship. Even if there isn't any domestic violence (physical or emotional) in your relationship, this does not mean that your children are not negatively impacted by the kind of relationship you and your spouse has. Your relationship is a point of reference for your children, so the kind of relationship you have with your spouse sets up the framework for what a relationship should look like for your children. If you have ever felt like your spouse is starting to become like your father or you are starting to act your mother, this is the reason why. Our parent's relationship imprints in our mind and they way we engage in our relationship reflects the parent we associate with. Having a happy relationship with our spouse will not only benefit us, but also our children.
            Your children will benefit from a happy relationship in many ways. When children see their parents happy, they tend to be less anxious, better able to concentrate, better able to cope, and feel more safe in their environment. They tend to have better relationships with family members and peers as well. While the contrary is true for children who have unhappy parents. 
           So what gifts can you and your spouse give your children this year? I have three suggestions you can choose from. You can pick one or all three. Give your children the gift of affection. This means showing physical affection towards your spouse (kiss, hug, holding hands) or verbal affection (praises, verbal support). Next you can give the gift of stress management. Demonstrate to your children how to deal with stress (when it comes from your spouse and others) and staying positive under stress. Lastly, you can give the gift of cooperation/teamwork. Model to your children how to get along with others despite disagreements, or how to stick together despite differences in opinion. Your children may not ever thank you for these gifts, but they will always remember them.
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Moving Forward Sometimes means Occasional Stopping

11/23/2014

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            Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving, a quote from Albert Einstein.  
We can get quite off balance in our life when there is a significant loss and time seems to stand still. We seem to stand still, even though we get through the day to day. One topic that can usually exacerbate the stress for clients I see during the holidays is the impact of losing a significant other. Whether this loss came from a break up, divorce, or death, grief is experienced similarly in all cases. Grief can be re-experienced during significant times of the year (especially holidays) no matter the length of time that the relationship has ended. However, the  intensity of the grief usually subsides with time and depends on the significance of the relationship. Without getting into too much detail about the journey of grieving, I would like to share some thoughts about moving through the holidays while dealing with the loss of a significant relationship.
           Initially we may feel like the world is upside down. Getting it back right side up is a part of grieving. In order to get things right side up again, we must be able to accept the reality of the loss and work through the pain of the loss. We do these things by having a funeral, getting rid of an ex-partner's belongings, or talking about the loved one in past tense. We also get through our grief by acknowledging and accepting our intense pain from the loss and how we are impacted by the loss. This may be hard to do, especially during the holidays. However, we can start to do this by sharing memories about holidays with  the significant other, writing a letter to express our feelings, or sharing our feelings with someone we trust. And if all fails, eating lots of sweets/comfort food can also help us get through this holiday.  
            When you are feeling like your world is back right side up, then you're ready to take the final steps in moving forward. These steps include adjusting to a new reality without the person and creating a new meaning for your life now that incorporates the end of that relationship. We take steps in moving forward by doing things for ourselves that were once done for us by our loved one, praying, or making connections with new/old friends. Lastly, we move forward by acknowledging our eternal connection with that significant person for the time we were together, and creating new rituals in our lives that includes that person's memory/significance of their life on us. Ex: going to their favorite restaurant and ordering something completely new; making their Thanksgiving specialty dish with a twist; celebrating the holidays in a new location. 
           Although there are many different ways we grieve and different things we can do to work through that grief, the tasks listed above are the essential tasks we work through. I gave examples of getting through each task, but it doesn't encompass the wide range of things that we may do to grieve. It also does not capture the duration of grief because grief does not have a specific time frame. However, we still do our best to get through the holidays and move forward on our own time.  
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Relationship Survival for the Holidays

11/16/2014

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              Holidays can  be the best and worst of times. We can experience intense happiness and frustration all in the same day.  Holidays are mostly cheerful, but they can also bring stress that challenges our patience and problem solving skills. Which family do we spend Thanksgiving with, how much money do we spend on gifts, or why does your family do that during Christmas, are just a some of the questions that may come up that will challenge our cheerfulness during these times.  So whether you and your partner are pros at the holidays or you are spending the holidays with each other for the first time,  I hope there is something in these relationship tips that can benefit you. 
1. Don't spread yourself too thin
             There will be many celebrations and parties going on during the holidays. So it will be hard to commit to every party. Whether your families live in the same or different city, there may come a time when holiday parties collide. Or perhaps you and your partner have various holiday parties to attend throughout the weeks. When this happens, high stress can set in when you try to accommodate families, friends, or co-workers. Since you can't be in two places at once, you may try to juggle your time to make it to every party. This will probably cause more stress than be helpful. So figure out which parties are priority for both of you and if they collide with each other, find a way to compromise. It's likely that you both will give up something before you can figure out a workable solution, but this beats spending the holiday separately or stressed out.
2.  Don't sweat the small stuff
              If your partner doesn't dress to impress or doesn't get you the gift you've been hinting him/her to get you, don't sweat it. The holidays probably mean something different for them, perhaps they aren't used to partying during the holidays, or maybe they are just less festive than you are. The list goes on. There are countless reasons why your partner may not "do" the holidays like you do, but it shouldn't take away from what's most important. So figure out what is most important to you both and focus on that. You might find that it's less important to get the "perfect" gift or look like the "perfect" couple. 
3. Expect the unexpected
             You've got to be flexible during the holidays. Things may not go as planned and issues that have been suppressed might be reignited when people who are usually separate are put together in the same room. Expect uninvited guests to  show up to parties or family members who call minutes before dropping by. Whatever the case may be, flexibility will allow you to sway with the motions rather than break under the pressure. There's already enough stress as it is. 
4. Create your own traditions
             Sharing the traditions from each of your families helps you understand where your partner came from. Most likely you have some things in common and some very different traditions too. Although keeping with the old traditions is good, it's also important that you create new traditions with each other. Just like the family traditions in your family creates a sense of belonging and closeness between you and your family, creating new traditions with your partner (and children, if you have any) will create a special bond in this relationship.
5. Let go of the "perfect" holiday
             There will be times when you can't afford to buy your partner, children, or family members the special gifts that you would like to. There will be times when there is a tragedy or illness in the family during the holidays and things get shuffled around. There will be those times that challenge what you pictured your holiday "should" be like and you may feel like your holiday has been ruined. This can have a negative impact on your relationship since you're likely to feel depressed/disappointed/agitated and you may even start blaming others. So if it's one of those years, then it just is. Let go of what "should" be and make the most of what is. There is no such thing as a perfect Thanksgiving or Christmas, and years from now you will look back with relief at how you got through such an "imperfect" holiday.
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How to have a healthy holiday feast

11/9/2014

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           Thanksgiving is a start to the holiday eating. Not that it's the only holiday with good food, but of all the holidays, I would reckon to say that Thanksgiving is the king of feasting. It's also a prelude to good eating during the holiday shopping and of course, Christmas. So it's probably no surprise that we feel most conscientious about eating or overeating at this time of the year. For those who actually have a "cold" winter, it's only natural to stock up on carbs and fat during the holidays. It works to insulate our bodies as we go through the harsh winter. For those who have mild winters, this reasoning doesn't alleviate feelings of guilt from overeating much. Here are some thoughts about getting through all the superfluous wining and dining we will encounter this holiday season.
            Change your mental framework. Just like glasses help us see better, our mental framework helps us interpret our environment and actions. When we have a mental framework that looks negatively on having one too many pieces of pie, then we are more harsh on ourselves as a result. Even a mental framework that unhealthy food or holiday eating is bad for us can negatively impact us. Instead, I encourage having a mental framework that is more flexible and accepting. We can be more kind to ourselves for giving in to eating carbs and sweets. We can also be more accepting that we are good and worthy no matter if our waistline is not where we think it should  be.
            Have positive thoughts about food. We often make food our enemy when it's really not. Food keeps us strong, nourishes our brain, and brings us closer to our loved ones. So instead of hating on high carb delicious foods, we should savor and look at them more positively for the good things they do for us. 
            Manage your stress. Holidays are a happy time, but can be stressful due to financial, family, or even  emotional reasons. Stress can contribute to more cravings and even emotional eating. Stress during the holidays does not necessarily come from negative things, but managing it no matter the cause is beneficial all around. It can help us enjoy the holidays more. Since stress is higher as Thanksgiving or Christmas approaches, managing our stress  can especially help  us to enjoy the days leading up to Thanksgiving or Christmas day. It's a month and a half of happiness that we miss out on when we do not manage our stress.

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Moving forward can mean looking backwards

11/2/2014

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          Past relationships can come back to haunt us in many ways. Even when we have learned from the mistakes that were made and have moved on, the past can still shape the way that we build future relationships. For this blog post in particular, I will focus on how we can be affected by cheating or infidelity in our past. 
          Cheating, whether we experienced it or witnessed it with people who are close to us (usually our parents), can have a profound impact on our ability to trust and our mental definition of what trust is. When we are exposed to cheating, our mind naturally makes a silent mental note that people cannot be trusted. This also means that the more pervasive the cheating, the more mental notes we have. As a result of this, we now have an undetected warning sign in our mind that people cannot be trusted and we proceed with caution in our relationships. Let me first note, that there are other experiences other than cheating which may contribute to this mental note that people cannot be trusted. I will also note that having this mental note is not a negative thing. However, this mental note can impact how we build our relationships and contribute to difficulty with trust because some people can be trusted and we want to be able to trust. Essentially having this  internal conflict is what contributes to difficulty trusting in new relationships.   
           So how do we learn to trust again or even start to trust? I'm sure you were already thinking of this question. In order to keep this post short, I will share two suggestions. Firstly, we have to start by asking ourselves what trust means to us and what it would look like. How does someone act in order to be trustworthy to me? Also important is how we act to convey that we trust. Trust, like many other things, is a two way street. We can't expect to only receive it and not give any back. Trust as a two way street means that  we don't go looking for ways to undermine or investigate our partner's trust.  If this person is not trustworthy,  their actions will define this not our investigative measures. Now I'm only referring to a new relationship, not when there is  any present or past infidelity. (This will be a topic for another post.) 
          Another thing we can do to start trusting is to question our feelings. Why do I feel I can't trust my partner? It's not easy to trust and sometimes trust feels uneasy. But we should ask ourselves whether we are feeling doubt from our current partner's behaviors or from our own past experiences. This part will require a personal investigation into our own feelings and experiences.
           We can move beyond our past experiences. Our past hurt or fears do not need to influence how we form new relationships. Not that our past should be ignored, but it's important to be aware of the positive and negative ways our past impacts us. More importantly, if our past impacts us negatively then it can benefit us to re-evaluate how we can change this negativity in order to have more positive experiences in our relationships.
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