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Phases of Real Love

10/10/2016

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,            Why does being in love with someone feel different a year, three years, or ten years into the relationship? Well if the relationship has lasted longer than two years, most likely you have moved beyond the "head over heels" or "honeymoon" period that most people feel when they first meet or date. The emotions often do not feel as strong when the honeymoon fades, but in reality love gets stronger past this. According to research from the Gottman Institute, love has three phases. Building love in a relationship doesn't happen quickly and doesn't happen without some strife. However, if you get to the third phase you will have love for life.
​        The first phase of love is probably everyone's favorite. It's the butterflies in your stomach, heart beats fast, and take your breath away phase of love.  This is the "falling in love" phase. When meeting the right person who smells, tastes, looks, and feels right in your arms, you experience a downpour of chemicals in your brain giving you pleasure in being with that person. This is why you feel the overwhelming emotions of love. Lust, passion, desire, and comfort are all examples of what most people feel. Most of the time the flooding of emotions and chemicals in your brain are the reasons why you might ignore the red flags in the relationship. 
         The second phase is the "building trust" phase. This usually occurs when you feel a commitment to your partner and move towards building a foundation of trust for your relationship. Usually the high from the first phase has worn off so quirks you found cute about your partner in the first phase are now annoying habits. Red flags that were missed are also coming to your awareness and you find yourself taking a hard look at how you and your partner actually fit together. The most arguments that happen in the first two years of a relationship after this commitment step are usually about trust, loyalty, and faithfulness. So you might ask yourself "how much can I depend on you", "will you be there for me when I need you emotionally and physically", "will you have my back", "am I more important than your friends", and "will you support me". This phase usually contributes to long term decisions you make such as getting married, buying a house, merging finances, or having children. When there betrayals during this phase, you may find yourself "loving" your partner but feeling "out of love". 
                 The third phase is the "romantic passion" phase. When you finally get to this phase of love, you have likely weathered through many storms. Your focus is on building loyalty, commitment, and romantic passion in your relationship. On top of this, you work to cherish and realize the gratitude you have for your partner. People who get to this phase are not lucky or special in any way, but what they have done different is to focus on their partner's good qualities and minimize the bad qualities. For the relationships that reach this phase, the love lasts a lifetime.
               Love doesn't have to be a battlefield or fade so easily. Sometimes it will be about knowing when to end the relationship and start over. Sometimes it's also about knowing what you have and changing to make things work. Because when you make a commitment to the right person, work to nurture love, and cherish your partner, love has an incredibly long term pay off. 




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When to Let Go

10/8/2016

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​        Sometimes you have to get through the bad relationships before you can find and appreciate the good ones. In my practice, I often find that people stay in bad relationships much longer than what their instincts tell them to. Why? The exact reason varies, but usually they are conflicted about whether the reason to leave is good enough. Although not absolute, here are some signs you can use to figure out whether to stay or bail out of your relationship.

Sign 1: Your partner’s personality negatively influences you.
       Here it’s important to know what you like and what you like about yourself when you’re with your partner. When you are in a healthy relationship, it will naturally bring out the best in you. Your kindness, generosity, sense of humor, playfulness, or adventurousness should be enhanced when you’re with your partner. It’s a very bad sign of an unhealthy relationship if you are finding that you act or feel more negative when you’re with your partner. Bail out of relationships that do this to you.


Sign 2: There’s a dominance of “me” instead of “we” in the relationship.
       An integral part of committing to each other is putting the relationship ahead of personal gains. In a healthy relationship, your partner is on your side even when you’re hurting, mad, or wrong. If you find that you’re working hard to pay the bills, while your partner spends recklessly on personal items. Or if you find yourself feeling emotionally abandoned, then it’s time to consider a bail out.


Sign 3: The bad times outweigh the good times.
      Every healthy relationship will have conflict, but often times the conflict makes the relationship stronger by tightening the intimacy, trust, and reliability between the couple. But when conflict makes you grow apart, you’re in deep trouble. The conflict then becomes a source of anger and resentment, rather than a time of growth, and making good memories overshadowed by the bad. 

      Getting through tough times makes a relationship stronger so don't necessarily bail out at the first sign of trouble. However, when all of these signs are present and have been lingering in your relationship, it's time to consider whether the relationship is worth saving. You may find that saving yourself by bailing out is the best way for both you and your partner to be in a healthy place to find a better suited partner. 


     

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