Let’s continue the conversation about the changing landscape of marriage and talk about infidelity or cheating. Once upon a time 50 years ago, infidelity was a norm in marriages because most people married for duty rather than for love. Back then infidelity was also very clear cut to define and it usually included a sexual interaction. However, if you ask your partner what constitutes cheating in their eyes today, the answer is probably not going to be as clear cut. With more ways to cheat now than ever and fewer places in which to hide, this is the changing landscape of marriage in 2018.
         Social media and technology have changed the way people can access information and interact with each other.  When your marriage can be broadcasted to the world via social media, and cheating is literally at your fingertips on an app in your phone, where do you draw the line between cheating and being friendly? Is liking sexy pictures on Instagram cheating? What if you casually message an old lover or friend on Facebook? What if you accept a friend request from a co-worker who has a crush on you? What about having an open marriage? Is cheating still just about the act (sex) or do unfaithful motivations also constitute cheating?
           At the core of infidelity are three things. First is secrecy. Infidelity is usually organized around a secret you must keep from your partner. Secondly is sexual energy. Infidelity doesn’t have to result in or include sexual contact, but it usually is fueled by sexual energy or sexual chemistry. Lastly is emotional involvement. This simply means that you have invested time or otherwise created something that has meaning to you. 
      There are so many situations that fall into the gray zone these days. More importantly is the fact that every act is defined differently between different couples and every couple has their own tolerance for certain behaviors in the relationship. I won’t tell you what to accept or not in your relationship, but when you are feeling conflicted about whether or not you or your partner is cheating, do consider the three things listed above as guidelines for looking at infidelity.

               Let's be brutally honest about marriage. I'm not sure that what we all believe in our minds about marriage is the reality that we are living in anymore. What I mean by this is that most people who are getting married will start with some ideals about what marriage "should be" like and end up with the reality of what marriage "really is". So let me elaborate what some of these "shoulds" are.  For example, I should be happy now that I've found my soul mate. You should not be attracted to anyone else because I am "the one". I should make you happy. You should know what turns me on and surprises me. I should be your everything and you should complete me. I could go on and it would actually make for a really sweet and sappy wedding vow, right. However, the reality is that marriage never lives up to these ideals. It's not because people just don't work hard enough in their marriage, but more so because these ideals are unreal. 
                If I sound pessimistic, I do apologize. It's not my intention to convey that I'm against sappy wedding vows. I really feel touched by them when I'm at a wedding. However, I am concerned that they set people up for an unnecessarily ugly journery  in marriage.  Why? Because there are some bitter realities in marriage that are not meant for wedding vows, but need to be accepted in order to make a marriage stronger.  Let's continue this conversation to explore what these realities are. I won't list everything that couples go through that contradict what they believe their marriage "should be", but I will share the biggest misconception that drives the train.           
                 The first is this concept of "the one". Everything else comes from this one ideal that there is one person out there who is perfect for you and when you find him/her, then everything else that comes after will just make sense. It's a beautiful concept and I don't frown on anyone who believes they have found "the one". However, you will discover that you may meet someone in the course of your marriage that is also a great fit for you. Your partner may meet someone else as well, perhaps who is even a better fit for him/her. With the amount of people in this world and easy access to connecting with people worldwide, it's not realistic or even fair to set yourself up that you are with "the one", because out of billions of people, there's bound to be more than one right person for you.  So why is it so important that I made a point to tear down this idea of "the one"?  It is because I want to offer a more realistic view of marriage, which is that you are married to "the one you choose".  Historically, marriage wasn't a choice for women and until recently, marriages weren't a choice for some impoverished cultures. But today in 2018, marriage is a choice for us in America and however long it lasts, marriage is part of a choice to continue a journey despite what or who else comes along.  ​   
                  The therapeutic takeaway from this is that I want to encourage you to think about why you are choosing to be with your partner. When things get difficult and you don't feel the warm fuzzies you used to, ask yourself "why am I choosing to be with my  partner". Take it a step further, and ask your partner the same question. How you both answer this question will give you a lot of information about your beliefs and where you both stand in your marriage. If it's time to talk to therapist, you'll know.

                   When your car is sounding funky or your phone isn't holding its battery charge properly, most people would probably feel highly motivated to find someone to help solve the problem. You probably wouldn't let the problem continue for 6 years. Yet, on average, that's how long most couples wait before getting any professional help for their marital problems. This means that on average most couples fight about or avoid talking about these problems for 6 years. This is often what makes the problem more entrenched, emotional, and difficult to resolve. Unfortunately, it also usually means that after all this time of living with these problems, couples seek out professional help as a last resort. Therapy as a last resort mostly serves to justify that everything was tried to resuscitate a relationship. A very risky move because therapy is not meant to rescue relationships. Therapy is meant to serve as a neutral and safe place to express feelings and experiences so you may understand and learn how to better do so in other environments. So instead of using therapy as a last ditch effort, I want to offer you proactive ways to look at your relationship to understand when it's time to seek outside help.
                  Gridlock. We understand this word in terms of traffic, but the same meaning can be applied in relationships. When you have come to a point where neither of you will budge on an issue, waiting it out probably won't change anything. You will remain stuck and it'll actually create a more hostile environment for resentment to grow.
                         Wandering hearts. When you're at a point where you are seriously thinking "I can do better", "why do I put up with this", or "I don't need this in my life", then you are getting closer to throwing in the towel and further from working things out with your partner. It becomes a slippery slope if you should cross this line, so it's a good sign to get help.
​                        Living in Re-runs. Having the same argument over and over again is not only frustrating, but also feels hopeless. And eventually this argument and these feelings can cross over to other issues and start leading you to feel frustrated and hopeless in other areas of your relationship. It then can consume other good feelings you might have in the relationship, which makes it more than enough of a reason to get help.
                          Walking on eggshells. If you or your partner feels so emotional about a topic that you can no longer discuss it without an emotional escalation or breakdown, or if you feel like you have to avoid certain words in order to keep the peace, then it's a huge red flag to get help. The longer this is allowed to go on, the thicker the layers of problem there will be. 
              Sometimes these signs come in pairs, threes, or solo. Whichever the case, I would encourage addressing it while the problem is still young and less evolved. Relationship problems that don't go away will continue to haunt the relationship until an honest solution is reached. It will be risky to seek help because the answer you're looking for may not be what you find. However, it can provide much needed relief.

              

             Love is hard. Relationships are hard. Love and relationships can hurt a lot, but we keep trying to make it work because love and relationships are what makes us feel alive. We were born to love. So why do we often get lost in love and relationships? It’s probably because somewhere along the path of our relationship, we have forgotten to maintain our love map.  
               A love map is like having a gps of your partner’s heart. Having a love map of your partner keeps you on the same path and connected to each other’s lives, interests, feelings, and dreams for the future. So without this, you are likely to feel like strangers even if you’ve been with each other for many years. Even if you invested time in connecting this way with your partner at the start of your relationship, you can become disconnected if you don’t update your map. It’s like when you get those update reminders on your phone or tablet about updating your system or certain apps. Of course the app runs fine without the update, but the update fixes certain bugs or has changes that make the app work better. Updating the love map of your partner’s heart is important because people change with time and knowing these changes makes you more attuned to your partner. The great thing is that you can update your love map just by asking your partner some simple questions. And of course, paying attention to your partner’s answers is the key.
                Here are some questions that can get you started: What is going on at work that you would like me to know about? What is something you’ve been wanting to do, but have not gotten to? How have you been feeling lately? What would be your dream job? What is causing you stress right now? 
                Of course the more you ask, the more you know. So shoot for the moon and ask as many questions as you’d like from your partner within the parameters of these four topics (daily grind, current interests, feelings, hopes/dreams). Just remember that building your love map is not about grilling your partner about your suspicions of their behavior. That’s a totally different conversation, which hopefully with your updated love map will lead you away from suspicions and back to your partner’s heart.

             I know that happiness has different meanings for different people. Some find happiness in their work, children, or sleeping in every day. So we can agree that happiness is relative to who you are and what you value. However, what I have learned from my experience as a therapist is that most people can’t seem to keep happiness around. There’s a constant search for it. And even when people find happiness, they either worry that something bad will happen next or it doesn’t last long enough. Then the search continues and the hunger for happiness lingers on. Sometimes we find people or things to satisfy the hunger, but the cycle repeats. Honestly, I’ve been there and done that too. So what I have also learned from my experience as a therapist is that most people work too hard at searching for happiness. What it comes down to is that you can’t search for happiness. Happiness isn’t an object that can be bought, it isn't inside another person that you can meet, or in a place that is hidden somewhere for you to discover. It’s a state of mind, an emotion.
​               Getting to a happy state of mind is a journey. It requires you to reflect on what makes you happy (ie. spending time with your children, walking your dog) and then it requires you to stay present in that experience. So that means you can’t check social media while spending time with your children or walking your dog. Yes, those experiences bring happiness but you miss out on feeling the emotion (happy) when you’re distracted. So what happens is that an experience that makes you feel happy may turn into something stressful (ie. if your children start arguing while you're looking at pinterest and now you find yourself breaking up a fight). What you are then left with is a stressful impression of a happy experience. When this happens over and over, you will start to think that spending time with your children isn’t a happy experience and other emotions set in. Therefore, unless you stay present and become aware of the times when you are feeling happy, you will miss out on it.
               One more thing. Because happiness is a state of mind, the goodness that you choose to focus on in your life will contribute to how intensely you feel. The more you focus on positive aspects of yourself and your life, the more you open yourself to feel positive and happy in your life. But this is a state of mind that requires practice. You can choose to pray, meditate, write, or anything else to help you stay in this state of mind. Whatever works for you, stick with it and do it daily this new year.