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            The internet doesn't actually make people cheat, people choose to cheat. However, the internet does make it very enticing, easy, and accessible to cheat on your partner.  This is probably one of the reasons why websites such as Ashley Madison has millions of subscribers and one of the reasons why it is such a hot topic when individuals were exposed in connection to the website.  So married people actually want to cheat on their spouse?  This is unheard of, right? Although I'm not all surprised abut the popularity of such a website, I am surprised that people still think they can stay anonymous on the internet.  Unfortunately it's that belief about anonymity which can fuel the cheating behavior.

It's really no surprise that married people would be interested in a place where they can "cheat" or "be with other people" who are not their spouse. Luckily not everyone acts on this feeling, thought, impulse, or whatever you want to call it.  Unfortunately that still leaves millions of people who do act on this.  So what is the allure of these websites or cheating on the internet? This is the real question this blog will address.

These websites sell a fantasy.  The websites are created so when you access them, you will fill them with your fantasies.  Being anonymous is just one piece of the fantasy because it allows uninhibited thoughts or behaviors to emerge.  A perfect example is the mean comments or tweets people write everyday.  Honestly, some of these mean things would never be said to a person's face but on the internet, it's safe.  This essentially becomes a world without negative consequences.  Who wouldn't want that? But the reality remains that there is a thin line between fantasy and reality, and eventually fantasies come to an end.  Either because you want to make them real or because they have been discovered by real people in your life.  I think the inconvenient truth here is that there are always real consequences to all behavior, whether these behaviors are enacted to fulfill a fantasy or not.  So consider this: if your fantasy is important then why not share it with your partner so it can become reality or why even have a partner?  And if it's not important, then why is it worth lying and risking your relationship?  What are the real consequences you are willing to face for your fantasy?

         For some who have been married and divorced before, the thought of getting married again might be far from their mind. But this is most likely a temporary phase of mind. When the right person comes around again, marriage is always on the table for discussion. The reality is that it's not a horrible thing to marry a second time or marry someone who has been divorced. Just because the first marriage did not work out does not mean you are doomed to fail a second time around. However, there are some things that you can do differently to improve the success of a second marriage.              
         Tie up loose ends from previous marriage before moving forward with a new relationship. It is so crucial for you to settle things before moving forward with a new relationship. Nothing else complicates a new relationship more than baggage from an old relationship, especially if it's ongoing. So sign the divorce papers, settle child custody (if applicable), and settle financial ties before starting a new relationship. Yes, this will be difficult to do so stay connected with your support system (family, friends, church) during this time.  
           Focus on the present relationship. Don’t idolize or bash your ex-spouse to your current partner. Comparing your current partner or relationship to your previous marriage is also a no-no. These behaviors send a message that "you're not over it". Whether you do this overtly or covertly, your partner will be able to detect it one way or another. Although it's not possible to get rid of memories or feelings about your previous marriage that may come up in your new relationship, it's also important that these memories or feelings do not overshadow feelings or building new memories in your current relationship. So put focus on the new experiences you will have with your current partner, even if they were things you have already done with your ex-spouse.
           Communicate. This is a broad statement because communication is important all around. In this case, communicating with your current partner about your previous marriage is something you can’t avoid. Of course, it’s essential to talk about things when you both are ready to, but don’t push the conversation away or sweep it under the rug. Talk to your current partner about feeelings (fear, worry, sadness) that you are experiencing as a result of getting a divorce and  starting over. Talk to your partner about what you want in this relationship and mistakes you made in your previous marriage. This is one way you both can improve your communication, build trust, and stay on the same page in your relationship.
          Love and marriage do not have to end with the first marriage. Although statistics show a higher likelihood of divorce for second marriages, it doesn’t mean that marriage the second time around will not last. It takes more work, but it can be successful. 

           I often wonder why the couples that I see in therapy chose to marry each other. Questions about how they met, what interested them about their spouse, and what their love story is tells me a lot about a couple. Most importantly is why they got married. This tells me the conditions that brought the couple together and gives me a picture of what the relationship looked like during better times. Why a couple chose to get married also tells me what their convictions are about their marriage. This is an essential piece of information. Unfortunately, what I do discover is that they have few convictions about marriage but many expectations. 
           So what are healthy convictions to have about marriage? I can’t say what works for me will work for anyone else, but the most important thing is to know what you believe in. Sounds simple, but trust me many people do not have a strong belief in their marriage. They may have ideals to strive for, such as treating each other with respect or living happily ever after, but their conviction about their marriage can easily be shaken by outside pressures. And soon it becomes hard to implement their conviction through action. The reason I say that many people do not know their convictions is because I see many couples who want one thing but contradict this with their actions. For example, they may want their spouse to be more sensitive to their emotions but rather than expressing emotions they expect their spouse to “know” what they are feeling. Or they may want their spouse to support their new endeavors, but they discourage their spouse to take risks.          
            Your convictions about your marriage should drive your actions. So if you believe that marriage is a partnership, then you treat your spouse like your co-pilot. Now if your convictions end up tearing apart your marriage or relationship, then it’s time to re-evaluate whether they are worth holding onto to. Why you got married is just as important on the day you got married as it is every day past that.  This is an important question to reflect on throughout your marriage.
          At the end of the day, some marriages fall apart while many more are just getting started. So there must be a reason why so many people have not given up on marriage. The reality is that our most cherished memories are usually when we are with someone, not when we are alone. So naturally we will gravitate towards finding someone to create future memories with. That's what marriage is about.