Loyalty in a relationship is sometimes overlooked as more focus is placed on love, honesty, or respect. Without negating the importance of these things, today's blog will solely focus on the importance of loyalty in a relationship. So what does loyalty have to do with relationships? Well, in simple terms, Everything. Loyalty is your ability to stay committed or faithful to promises, vows, or obligations you have made in a relationship.  It means staying committed to your partner in the face of other options or temptations. This is definitely easier said than done. 
            Loyalty by far helps set a strong foundation for other things to flourish in a relationship, such as trust and respect. This is because loyalty comes from how you act and your choices. There's only one way to demonstrate loyalty and it is through your actions. In some studies, loyalty has been shown to  contribute to happier relationships because relationship satisfaction is connected to how strongly a couple feels supported by their partner. Loyal partners tend to do better at keeping their word to their partners. So here are some ways that loyalty expresses love and commitment in a relationship: 

• Being loyal means respecting your partner's weaknesses and supporting him/her when needed to overcome those weaknesses. This can help to build trust in a relationship.           
• Being loyal means refraining from bad mouthing your partner to close friends or family members. Talking badly about your partner to others is disrespectful, and undermines your partner. If you have a complaint, address it with your partner face to face. This conveys respect for your partner.
  
• Being loyal means taking care of your partner's needs before others. Evaluate your ability to fulfill promises or commitments you have made to your partner first before agreeing to commitments elsewhere. 
• Being loyal means accommodating your partner, especially when it comes to engaging in their interests and not yours. This is about supporting them in their hobbies or work related events, even if you are not interested or something else comes up in your schedule. 
• Being loyal means standing up for your partner when others are putting him/her down.  Even if there are legitimate reasons to what other people are saying, going along with it or letting it slide conveys that you are allowing your partner to stand alone when others are against him/her.

            Humans are by far not the most loyal creatures. Chris Brown was right in pointing out that "these girls aint loyal" because loyalty can sometimes be bought by the highest bidder or rapper. If humans were ever as loyal to each other as our canine friends are to us, relationships would be a lot less complicated. We are so easily tempted to chase after fleeting feelings and this weakness affects our relationships in large ways. Thankfully, loyalty is an attitude and your attitude is a choice. Even if it has been hard to be loyal, you can still choose to act in ways that convey your loyalty.

         I'm pretty sure you are familiar with the stereotype that  having "daddy issues" can land you in therapy. While I can't contest this completely because it has been an underlying issue for many clients that I have worked with (male and female), I believe it really goes to show just how important dads are in a child's life. We can go in circles all day about parenting, how moms and dads differ, and how dads aren't given enough credit these days for their role in parenting. Yes, while all of that would make interesting conversations, I really want to focus on three areas that dads are most influential and how their involvement impact children.  Just like dads cannot take the place of moms, moms cannot replace what dads can give to a child.  

              Gender Roles and Ideals. In this day and age, no matter if mom or dad is working or taking care of the household chores, children's beliefs about gender roles and ideals still come from parent's beliefs and how they act. Boys can learn from dads values of being a man, and how to treat women. Girls learn from dads how a man should treat her, and what men value in a woman. In fact, one study showed that dad's gender beliefs were more influential on daughters that moms.
 
           Ambition. Both parents can provide ambition in children, but in different ways. For the most part, moms tend to be more cautious about their children than dads. Dads are more likely to encourage children to take risk, both on the playground and in life. An example is when dad encourages kids to climb to the top despite their expressed fear. This can provide children with a bolder sense of ambition that sets a foundation for children's sense of achievement and  in making decisions in the future. 

           Emotional Regulation. Moms get a lot of credit for nurturing and helping children express their feelings. Dads may not be very good at "talking" or "showing" feelings, but they are influential in helping children regulate their emotions. This mainly comes from dad's calm reactions to things from scrapes and bruises to the bullies at school.  Dad's ability to let it go or not make a big deal of things, helps children not to dwell on things. Dad's roughhousing with children can also help children learn to control their bodies and emotions.  This can  allow children to learn how to be in touch with their limits (emotionally and physically) and other's limits. 

           Dad's involvement in a child's life provides balance. Think of the yin/yang symbol or anything else in life that is symbolic of harmony. Children thrive when there is balance in their life. So to all of the dads out there who are engaged in their children's lives, remember that you play an irreplaceable role. You have an eternal influence on your children and although only one day a year is dedicated to you, just know that you are celebrated in your children's eyes everyday.

            Making a long term relationship work is difficult, but also equally difficult is ending a long term relationship. Especially when the relationship is no longer fulfilling or going anywhere. It can be especially difficult when time and feelings have been invested in the relationship. However, don't despair too much if the relationship has ended because keeping a broken relationship alive will only hurt you more in the long run. There are many reasons why relationships don't work out and the common ones tend to include: infidelity, lying/dishonesty, falling out of love, and the list goes on. But these are merely the behavioral manifestation of an even deeper reason. Ready to hear what lies beneath the cheating, lying, or loss of loving feelings? Here we go.
           Co-dependency. The therapist in me would say "a co-dependent relationship is defined as a relationship where much of the love and intimacy in the relationship is experienced in the context of one person’s distress and the other’s rescuing or enabling". In simpler terms, you felt most loved when doing something for your partner that may or may not have been the best thing for them. I.e.  paying for his/her bills and your own, when you both make the same amount of money; taking/defending your partner's side without questioning/understanding the whole picture. Although by themselves, these situations are not deal breakers and do not automatically signify that you are in a bad or unhealthy relationship. However, if this becomes a pattern where you feel most close and bonded to your partner when coming to their rescue or defense, then you are likely engaging in a co-dependent relationship. Even though these relationships can last and being co-dependent doesn't necessarily guarantee a break up, it is an underlying reason for breaking up if one person no longer needs rescuing or the other person gets worn out from doing the rescuing. 
         Denial. When there is an inconsistency between action and words, I would recommend to believe the actions over the words. Especially in a relationship. Ever heard of lip service? Most people know the right things to say and usually will say the "right" thing to make a relationship work. What makes this bad for a relationship is that you want to believe in what your partner tells you, so you are more likely to overlook the inconsistency in their words and actions. Sometimes it takes stepping outside of yourself to really see the clarity of your partner's behaviors.  I worked with a couple once in which there were communication problems. Although this couple loved each other, they could not see just how detrimental their communication problems were to their relationship. It wasn't until the wife saw how her husband talked to others (in the same angry manner towards her) that she realized the emotional damage she experienced in their marriage.
          Unrealistic expectations. This is also what I like to call "fantasy" or "romanticized" relationships. Although I won't list all of the possible unrealistic expectations, it is important to note that most beliefs that are finite or absolute (ie. my partner should share all of the same beliefs as me or my partner should always know how to console me/make me happy) usually fall under "unrealistic". I'm not bashing on anyone for wanting certain qualities in a  partner, but my point is something totally different from that. Wanting certain qualities and expecting these qualities to be fulfilled in full are two separate things. I am referring to the latter here. The effect that "holding onto unrealistic expectations" has on a relationship is strong. It shapes your feelings towards your partner and contributes to emotional disconnection when the expectations are not met.
         Low self-esteem/self worth. This is often at the core of many broken relationships and can be related to any of the above mentioned reasons for a break up. This impacts a relationship because subconsciously you will seek your partner to improve your esteem/worthiness, only to feel disappointed when your partner disapproves or disagrees with you. Not surprisingly, it's very difficult for anyone to admit to themselves let alone to their partner, but nevertheless it drives behavior. It may have driven you to cheat on your partner, be with the prettiest/hottest person in the room or driven you to lie about your income/insecurities/faults. Unfortunatelly, these behaviors do not make you love yourself any more.
         Sometimes the end of a relationship can be the best thing for you, especially if any of the above reasons were present in your relationship. Hopefully, reflecting and identifying what went wrong this time around is a good way to move on towards a healthier relationship next time. 

         I recently heard of an odd term, negging. No, it's not the latest version of the legging or jegging as I thought. Actually you won't find it in your local Webster's dictionary. You'll have to look for it in the Urban dictionary for the definition. What struck me as surprising about this term, other than the name, was the mixed reactions people may have about the whole concept of it all. So what does it mean? Negging is a term for a pick up method where a negative comment is given as a back handed compliment. It sounds like a sneaky and demeaning way of hitting on someone, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work. Essentially, the purpose of this "dating tactic" is to get  a response so the interaction can continue. And that's really the purpose of any relationship isn't it? To continue interesting interaction with your partner. As hard as it to say, there is some benefit to any relationship from this continued dating dance.
          When it comes to dating, engaging in a bit of a chase keeps things intriguing. If a girl is not immediately available, the guy stays interested in getting to know her. If a guy only gives up a little about himself, the girl feels curious about his story. It makes you/your partner work harder for the relationship. 
           Unfortunately some of this dating ritual dies out when a couple is married or in a long term committed relationship. This is a loss for the relationship and probably a contributing factor to having a stagnate marriage/relationship. Although you and your partner may know almost everything about each other and have talked about everything under the sun, there are still ways you can keep chasing each other. 
           Keeping the chase on after you are married or have been together for more than 5 years, is about you. You have to make an conscious effort to feel intriguing and stay intrigued with your partner. Feel confident in who you are and try out new things for yourself. Even if you end up trying new things on your own, feel good about it. The more you allow yourself to enjoy life, the more your partner will see what a privilege it is to be a part of your life. As you continue to keep your partner guessing what you might do next, also drop hints to him/her that you  are still emotionally and sexually interested. This can be and mean anything. It can be as far out as taking a pole dancing class or going river rafting, or it can be as  simple as flirting or surprising him/her with a massage treatment. Continuously engaging your partner in the dating chase does take work, but a good relationships is something worth chasing.