What happens when we mix our present feelings with the past? It's usually a recipe to make things more complicated. In my private practice, couples or individuals that I see often express that their "ex" is one of the many reasons they have problems in their current romantic relationship. So what's the allure of the "ex"? The short answer is, it all depends on how the relationship ended. 
            Let's be serious. Having a relationship with an ex (platonic or not) or getting back with an ex is not always a bad thing. Many times the third time around is the charm. There is no hard and fast rule about what to do with an ex. It's more about what you expect from the relationship versus what the reality reflects. In situations where the relationship ended amicably, there is a tendency for us to fantasize about "what could have been". In cases where the relationship ended horribly or abruptly, there also is the fantasy that we may be able to fix or understand what went wrong. And these questions are where we may get pulled back into an old relationship. Our ability to identify what is our fantasy and what is the reality is important in moving forward.
           So let me get back to why the end of the relationship matters to the beginning .  The thing is, when you get back with an ex there is no fresh start or reset button. This is not a brand new relationship. It's a continuation of where you left off.   The second time around usually does not forfeit what happened the first time around. More often than not, you have the same problems you did the first time around. The silver lining is that you have a second chance to solve the old problems in a new way. But keep in mind that past feelings or hurt will usually linger, and complicate the course of the relationship. 
           I usually encourage having firm boundaries with exes, whether the relationship ended well or badly. Especially because we can easily fall back into old patterns. The truth is, there was once a shining memory in the relationship with an ex and that's where we often get caught up. However, if you ever do contemplate giving an ex-relationship another chance, here are some thoughts to consider first. What ended this relationship, what are my expectations of this relationship now, and what am I willing  to do differently this time around?  I encourage reflection before making a decision because you must learn from your history in order not to repeat it. So be cautious. There are many risks and benefits in getting back with an ex. Some relationships are better the second time around and some are better left in the past.

         If ignorance is bliss, then awareness is power. September is suicide prevention awareness month, so I'd like to take a moment to share about this. Unfortunately, suicide occurs more often than it should and it is one leading cause of death that could have been prevented. Suicide does not discriminate based on race, age, socio-economic status, or  gender. Yes, some populations have higher suicide rates, but that's  usually just "recorded" and "completed" rates. We don't consider it a statistic when someone "attempts" suicide.  The most recent news shaking suicide was none other than Robin Williams, who may or may not have been showing "signs" of suicide.  I'm a mental health therapist, so I know the clinical warning signs of suicide.  Not true for most people.
       The silver lining is that you don't need to be a  therapist to help someone in need.  Many people do not show any signs or may show signs different from the norm. So it's not about having a checklist, but rather I believe it's more about being aware that we are all capable of doing it.
       Suicide doesn't hit home for most of us until someone we personally know commits suicide. It's one of those things that are out of sight, out of mind. And I don't blame anyone for feeling this way because suicide sucks. The aftermath really sucks. So I hope you never experience it first hand, but even without experiencing for yourself, you can still make yourself aware. Be aware that when you ask someone if they feel suicidal, it's actually helpful to them. Be aware that talking about suicide does not make it happen. Be aware that judging someone for feeling suicidal does not make you immune from feeling this yourself. Be aware that when you have a gut feeling that someone might hurt him/herself, it's ok to be there for them even if you turn out wrong. Be aware that suicide is not the problem, it's the only solution that person sees for him/herself when he/she sees no other option.
       I admit that I don't know if there is a way to get rid of suicide altogether. We can't predict what people will do and we can't control their minds or actions. We can only equip ourselves with the acknowledgement that suicide is painful and it
can, at any point, affect any of us.  

       In therapy, I often encounter clients who want to work on letting go of a bad relationship, bad habits, their past, etc. The goal I help these clients work towards is usually to understand their emotional connection with these things and find a way to move forward. A lot easier said than done right? This is because our emotional connection with people or these things are rooted deeply in who we believe we are. And changing who we believe we are is what needs to happen for us to be able to let go. 
         One perfect example is when we stay in a bad relationship for very long (bad is quite subjective, but let's assume we have the same definition here). In this situation, we may stay because over time we came to believe that the relationship is a part of who we are. We may believe that we mean something to our partner and the relationship means something to us. So essentially, letting go of a bad relationship is about seeing ourselves for who we want to be and finding a way to create that identity. Because letting go is about change, I always remind my clients that therapy does not always save a relationship and can possibly result in breaking  up a relationship. 
         Another example is when clients want to work on letting go of their past, which may include their mistakes, family, or a traumatic event. Letting go of our past is never about forgetting about our past, but it includes integrating our past with who we are now and want to become. Letting go includes accepting and allowing ourselves to exist without the hurt from the emotional connection we have with the past. Although painful and difficult to do, it is truly reveling when we come to succeed at letting go. This is a poem that has helped me and one that I have used with clients to help them find a way to let go.

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. 
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. 

              Contrary to what it may feel like at the moment, the arguing in your relationship are attempts to resolve hidden differences in your beliefs and vision for your life as a couple. That's the main reason that some arguments recycle over and over in your relationship. It is a reminder that the issue has not been resolved. Conflict brings out everything in a relationship; old hurt, dreams, and unfulfilled wishes for the relationship. I want to share with you three very common issues that most couples argue about, and what it might mean in your relationship if you continue to have this conflict.
            SEX
 Many times I have seen that sex is either a source of the conflict or a side effect of another conflict, in which it now becomes the main conflict. Sex can be a source of conflict if the couple has differences in sexual appetite. One may want more or less sex than the other, or couples may feel unsatisfied about the redundancy of their sexual life. Sometimes when there is too much stress elsewhere in the relationship (ie. work), sex can emerge as a problem. What this means: usually sex becomes an issue when there is difficulty or insufficient communication between the couple. Sex in a relationship can be a delicate topic because it's about sharing intimate thoughts and feelings. These thoughts and feelings may not be well received by your partner and of course, this leads to conflict. So I recommend building your communication skills by talking about other delicate topics and work on resolving those issues. When you feel confident that you can effectively express and resolve other sensitive issues, sex will be easier to approach.
          MONEY 
Whether you have too much or too little money, it can be a repetitive and contentious conflict to have.  Money is part of life and naturally a source of conflict because it is required to maintain your lifestyle. Money conflict is usually not just about not having enough of it, but it's more about what you are doing with it. What it means: Money is a resource so how you spend it is a reflection of your values and beliefs. Arguing about money usually means you and your partner have different values and beliefs about what money signifies. Resolving the small arguments about paying bills is good, but more importantly, it's pertinent to discuss what value money has for you and in your relationship. 
         CHILDREN
Interestingly enough, whether you have children or not, this is still another common source of conflict. If you have children, you are likely to argue about how to raise your children, discipline, etc. If you do not have children, the argument you have may likely be about whether or not you want children or difficulties having children. What is means: Children are a joy to have, but they bring out our past and future. The inability or difficulty melding our past and future together along with combining this with our partner's past and future, is usually the cause for conflict. When you have children, you tend to see yourself in them yet want better for them than what you had. Joining your hopes and dreams with your partner's hopes and dreams for your children, can be difficult. But it starts with understanding how your past impacts you as a parent now, joining this with your partner's past, and creating a vision for a joined future.