What happens when we mix our present feelings with the past? It's usually a recipe to make things more complicated. In my private practice, couples or individuals that I see often express that their "ex" is one of the many reasons they have problems in their current romantic relationship. So what's the allure of the "ex"? The short answer is, it all depends on how the relationship ended.
Let's be serious. Having a relationship with an ex (platonic or not) or getting back with an ex is not always a bad thing. Many times the third time around is the charm. There is no hard and fast rule about what to do with an ex. It's more about what you expect from the relationship versus what the reality reflects. In situations where the relationship ended amicably, there is a tendency for us to fantasize about "what could have been". In cases where the relationship ended horribly or abruptly, there also is the fantasy that we may be able to fix or understand what went wrong. And these questions are where we may get pulled back into an old relationship. Our ability to identify what is our fantasy and what is the reality is important in moving forward.
So let me get back to why the end of the relationship matters to the beginning . The thing is, when you get back with an ex there is no fresh start or reset button. This is not a brand new relationship. It's a continuation of where you left off. The second time around usually does not forfeit what happened the first time around. More often than not, you have the same problems you did the first time around. The silver lining is that you have a second chance to solve the old problems in a new way. But keep in mind that past feelings or hurt will usually linger, and complicate the course of the relationship.
I usually encourage having firm boundaries with exes, whether the relationship ended well or badly. Especially because we can easily fall back into old patterns. The truth is, there was once a shining memory in the relationship with an ex and that's where we often get caught up. However, if you ever do contemplate giving an ex-relationship another chance, here are some thoughts to consider first. What ended this relationship, what are my expectations of this relationship now, and what am I willing to do differently this time around? I encourage reflection before making a decision because you must learn from your history in order not to repeat it. So be cautious. There are many risks and benefits in getting back with an ex. Some relationships are better the second time around and some are better left in the past.
Let's be serious. Having a relationship with an ex (platonic or not) or getting back with an ex is not always a bad thing. Many times the third time around is the charm. There is no hard and fast rule about what to do with an ex. It's more about what you expect from the relationship versus what the reality reflects. In situations where the relationship ended amicably, there is a tendency for us to fantasize about "what could have been". In cases where the relationship ended horribly or abruptly, there also is the fantasy that we may be able to fix or understand what went wrong. And these questions are where we may get pulled back into an old relationship. Our ability to identify what is our fantasy and what is the reality is important in moving forward.
So let me get back to why the end of the relationship matters to the beginning . The thing is, when you get back with an ex there is no fresh start or reset button. This is not a brand new relationship. It's a continuation of where you left off. The second time around usually does not forfeit what happened the first time around. More often than not, you have the same problems you did the first time around. The silver lining is that you have a second chance to solve the old problems in a new way. But keep in mind that past feelings or hurt will usually linger, and complicate the course of the relationship.
I usually encourage having firm boundaries with exes, whether the relationship ended well or badly. Especially because we can easily fall back into old patterns. The truth is, there was once a shining memory in the relationship with an ex and that's where we often get caught up. However, if you ever do contemplate giving an ex-relationship another chance, here are some thoughts to consider first. What ended this relationship, what are my expectations of this relationship now, and what am I willing to do differently this time around? I encourage reflection before making a decision because you must learn from your history in order not to repeat it. So be cautious. There are many risks and benefits in getting back with an ex. Some relationships are better the second time around and some are better left in the past.
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