Love is often the first thing associated with a happy and long lasting relationship. While this is not false, it's not the only thing that should be unconditional in any relationship. And it definitely is not what keeps a relationship in tact, otherwise we would not hear about relationships ending after decades of marriage. So what's the secret? It's a combination of love, trust, and commitment. But let the focus be on commitment in this post. 
            Commitment is an important  piece in the framework of a happy and long lasting relationship. There's only one way to commit, and it's to have unconditional commitment. Commitment is a lot like trust, but different in its own way. We often don't feel commitment like we can feel love or trust. This makes sense because commitment to your partner or your relationship is an every day act. It's a choice you make to consider your partner wherever you go and believe the best about your partner wherever he/she goes. Another way to think of it is that commitment is your choice to be in a relationship for better or worse, etc. 
               Many times when you "feel" insecure it may be more linked to your doubt of your partner's commitment to you (their actions) rather than mistrust (your feeling). Consider situations when you have questioned your partner's fidelity or when you have experienced the equivalent of a second degree interrogation, without evidence of any wrongdoing. Although it may not be worth tearing up your relationship over, neither of these scenarios contribute anything positive. However, this scenario is very common as I often hear from couples that they trust each other, but they cannot shake insecure feelings when their partner is with friends or doing something without them. It can be very conflicting to "feel" you trust your partner, but also question their actions. This is why it's so important to understand that commitment is a choice. You must choose to take your partner with you where you go. Only then can you remove the notion that you are only committed so long as your partner is present with you (conditional). This perspective sets your partnership in place as united day after day for a long journey together.

                 How would you answer the following question: how did you come to trust your partner? Think about it for a minute and try to find that defining moment you knew or felt you trusted your partner. Was it easy, hard, confusing? If so, continue reading this blog post and see if you have a different picture of trust at the end. So let's talk about trust. 
                Trust is usually easiest to acknowledge at the beginning of a relationship. Perhaps because your partner has not let you down yet or maybe you tend to be a trusting person. However, the reality is that there is no basis for trust until your partner has let you down or you have questioned your trust in the relationship. As crazy as it sounds, trust is built slowly in your relationship over time and what can help build it strongly is in part due to the misunderstandings or even betrayals that you experience. Betrayals can be small or large, so it may test your trust slowly or all at once. Either way, it is an opportunity for trust building. Let's take a look how this can help strengthen your trust.
                The Gottman Institute (which has done years of research on relationships) has gotten it down to a science. Building trust in a relationship takes attunement. It's actually small moments of attunement and repairing the moments of disappointment/hurt that strengthens your trust. To "ATTUNE" to your partner means being Aware of his/her feelings, Turning towards his/her feelings, being able to Tolerate differences in viewpoints, Understanding your partner, responding Non-defensively, and responding with Empathy.  Any of these things can be accomplished through intimate conversations and small moments of acknowledgement throughout your relationship. For example, let's say your partner was going through a career transition. It's been tough for your relationship (financially and emotionally).  So one day when your partner vents about having a hard time finding a job or frustration in his/her transition, you could either shoot back with "that's nothing compared to what I had to deal with today" or you could "ATTUNE" to his/her emotions by saying "it's tough on you, but you're trying your best here". Wow, what a strong message of "you can trust me with your feelings" for your partner to hear. 
                So how does attunement work to fix trust after a betrayal?  Attuning to your partner throughout your relationship will help when dealing with betrayals because you need to "ATTUNE" to one another's emotions in order to engage in conversation and repair the relationship.  Also if you've been attuning to each other before the betrayal then you'll have a stronger sense of trust to work with after the betrayal.  The reality is that you can't build trust on a conditional basis that you will only trust until there is a betrayal. Working through a betrayal can be a strong affirmation of trust and can increase the intimacy in your relationship. In contrast, your inability to rebuild trust after a betrayal is actually not due to the betrayal itself, but it's actually due to the Un-Attunement towards your partner and the belief that you can do better. This is what contributes to distrust and erosion of your relationship. 
               If your relationship were a house, trust is the  frame. As discussed in the past, having a strong foundation is very essential to your relationship, but a house with a weak frame will blow right over as well. So ask yourself again, how did you come to trust your partner? Maybe your trust is strong now, but what will it withstand? 

              

             I'll be the first to admit that asking for help for a personal problem is hard, very hard. Not only is it hard to admit to ourselves that we have a problem, but telling someone about it makes us feel vulnerable to their judgement. In my experience as a therapist, I would say that fearing being judged is one of the major reasons asking for help is so hard to do. When we seek therapy or help from others, we are putting ourselves out there openly and that's scary. We may fear being labeled as crazy, unstable, or worse of all, weak. So naturally, it's safer to go on trying to deal with our problems on our own. 
             Another reason getting help is so hard is trust. So even if we don't care or fear being judged, we may not fully trust that asking for help will yield anything helpful. We may convince ourselves that getting help from some one will not result in anything better than what we can do for ourselves. Or perhaps we may think that the person helping has their own agenda, and they do not have our best interest in mind. Without trusting in the help we seek, we are less likely to actually commit to making any changes. Consequently, we set ourselves to receive no benefits in the help we seek.
            Lastly, self-preservation is another reason getting help is so difficult for people. By self-preservation I'm referring to holding onto our ego or what we think of ourselves. It's a hard enough hit on our ego that we have problems and can't solve them ourselves. It's another harder blow if we have the get the answers from someone else.  We may  think "what's wrong with me that I can't do this on my own."  On the other hand, self-preservation is also about avoiding confronting ourselves. When we ask for help, we may wind up hearing things we don't like about ourselves. Such as, our flaws and how we are responsible for the problems we have. This really hits hard at our ego. When we don't ask for help, we are essentially avoiding feeling inadequate and trying to keep our ego high. 
             When we have tried all that we can, but we keep cycling through the same problems over and over, not asking for help is really a disservice to ourselves. If we were meant to solve all of our problems on our own all the time, then there would be no need for relationships. And that's really what it comes down to in therapy. It's about building a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't judge you, whom you trust, and who can confront you when you need it most. If you can find a relationship that resembles this outside of therapy, then that's perfect. Nourish and keep that relationship healthy. It will make asking for help that much simpler.