So what does that title even mean? If that's what you were thinking too, then continue reading. Just like we baby proof our house to keep our baby safe and keep bad things from happening, it means the same thing. Cheat proofing our marriage is a way we can keep bad things (ie. cheating) from happening to us. Right? If you don't believe this, then I didn't fool you. We can't cheat proof our marriage anymore than we can control how much it will rain. Even if we do everything perfectly, it doesn't always mean that things do turn out perfectly. So why are you still reading? Because understanding the thin line between cheating and fidelity can better equip us in knowing where that boundary lies so that we do not cross it when we get there.
       Most affairs fall in a few categories: accidental affairs (these are the drunk affairs, "it just happened", or other careless acts of emotions), emotional affairs (these are the "I've fallen out of love with my partner" affairs or the "I need to feel loved/needed" affairs), and sex is power affairs (these are the "I will do it because I can still do it" affairs or revenge affairs). Something that all of these affairs have in common is that they cross a very significant boundary. It is the boundary between you and your partner and everyone else. Last week's blog was about setting healthy boundaries between us and our partner. Today I want to emphasize the importance of setting boundaries between our relationship and other people/relationships. This boundary allows us to know where our relationship lies in relation to others so we do not allow people to cross that line or so we do not cross it ourselves.
        For example: Jane and John, and Bobby and Brea are two couples who are good friends. They all enjoy hiking together and do this every weekend. On one occasion Jane and Bobby were unable to go hiking so John and Brea went together. As Jane and Bobby became caught up in other things and attended less, John and Brea grew closer as they continued hiking together without their spouses. John and Brea began to share with each other about their spousal problems and eventually shared more than that. They accidentally have an affair that breaks up their friendship.
       So could this have been prevented and where did they muddy their boundaries? The truth is we are all susceptible to cheating on our partners. No one is perfect and many times we build connections with people outside our relationship that can lead to something more. That is why being alert to our boundaries is so important. In the example above, what started as a "group" activity slowly turned into a twosome. If John and Brea had kept the boundary around the hiking as a "group" activity, meaning that they only do this if everyone could still go, then the affair would less likely have happened. Now you may think, John and Brea were probably attracted to each other long ago and this affair was meant to happen eventually etc. etc. Although you have a point, the fact of being attracted to someone does not mean you are "meant" to have an affair with them. The affair given above was entirely preventable in many ways, just like most affairs, because when boundaries are crossed then it's hard to see how far we have strayed from our relationship. Meaning that we are more likely to cross the line between friendship and lover and between commitment and infidelity. 
         What to do now? Maintain the boundaries between your relationship and other people by keeping some "relationship" things private, discuss issues about your partner with your partner first, make the time you spend with others about fostering those relationships rather than griping about your partner, and if you ever question whether you are crossing a boundary, just ask yourself if you would be okay if your partner were doing the exact same thing. 

          Often couples have the misconception that being "united as one" in marriage also means there is no separation between the person and the whole. While it's awesome to make decisions together and stick with each other through good and bad times, the "unity" of marriage also needs healthy boundaries. Seems contradictory doesn't it? So give me a chance to explain what this all means and you will understand why drawing a line between ourselves and our partner helps our relationship.
          Healthy boundaries help us know where we end and our partner begins. This allows us to separate our actions and feelings from our spouse's actions and feelings. It also allows us to know that we are not at the mercy of our spouse's behaviors or feelings. Even though we can't control how our spouse speaks to us or how they feel, we can control how we respond to their actions or emotions. And of course, this means we can put limits on what we will/will not tolerate and how we want to be treated. Example: Your spouse starts to insult you in front of the children. Instead of engaging your spouse by telling him/her not to yell at you while your children are present, you let your spouse know you will be in the other room if he/she still wants to talk. Of course it's important to address that insulting you is inappropriate behavior especially in front of your children, but what needs to come first is for you to disengage. When you respond by addressing this behavior in the presence of children, you have already allowed it to take place. Our behavior must match what we say or we're not drawing a clear boundary. 
          Having healthy boundaries also mean drawing a line within ourselves. We should be clear about who we are and understand the differences between who we are as an individual, spouse, parent, career woman/man, and any other roles we may take on. We have separate roles, responsibilities, and expectations in these roles. We also have to keep in mind where one role ends and the other begins. We can't be all of these roles at once, even if we try, so our boundaries remind us where these roles belong in our life.
           Lastly, healthy boundaries in a relationship allow us to separate our partner as a person from us. Our spouse is not an extension of us, they can't read our mind or our feelings, and they are not here exclusively to meet our needs. This means that they are allowed to have their own opinions, feelings, and problems. Their opinions, feelings, and problems are not a reflection of us, but rather a reflection of them. Having this boundary allow us to be more respectful and empathic towards our spouse when they are struggling or disagree with us. Example: Your spouse makes a comment about how cute and personable the waiter/waitress is. Instead of seeing this as an attack/insult on you, you comment back that the waiter/waitress is personable but not "your type". In this situation, very easily we can interpret our spouse's comment as a comparison to us. This then sets off bells and whistles in our mind that makes us defensive, when in reality our spouse is merely stating his/her opinion (separate from what we think). Now if you're thinking that this kind of behavior, if tolerated, will contribute to your spouse cheating or flirting with others, then what you must realize is that those behaviors require their own set of boundaries. (More on this topic in a different post).
         In life there are boundaries we can see, like the fences around houses, the toll booth at a bridge, or the concrete barriers on freeways, and there are boundaries we cannot see. Boundaries of the heart, mind, and in our relationships cannot be seen. But they are there and we need to know exactly where they lie. Unless we know where our boundaries lie, others will not know where they are. So it's our responsibility to recognize and enforce our boundaries. Boundaries allow a healthy separation between partners but also give us opportunity to grow as a couple.

             Valentine's day, most people either love it or hate it. The day is either filled with the celebration of love or met with high expectations. Although I believe that the commercialization of this day has contributed to unnecessary pressure for a relationship, I still see that the idea of a day for love is healthy for all relationships. 
            Did you notice that commercials for jewelry skyrocketed in the weeks before Valentine's day? Of course it makes sense that companies would advertise early and get you interested in their product. However, this can create an unrealistic expectation that this day is all about getting jewelry, chocolates, red roses or three course meals. It can also bring on negative financial consequences for a relationship since these gifts and romantic dinners are not always cheap. So instead of giving jewelry, chocolates, or red roses on Valentine's day, this year focus on giving your partner a happy and fulfilling relationship as a gift. 
           This can look something like: a homemade dinner of your partner's favorite dish, an evening of massage and more, a night out or in without your children, or anything else you both would enjoy doing together. Furthermore, you can use this day to build a ritual together as a couple. So if you like having dinner at a favorite restaurant, make this a yearly tradition and build memories for the future. Don't worry, you can always mix it up if things feel repetitive. The ritual is not just about the restaurant, but more so about spending the evening together. 
            The last thing to remember about Valentine's day is that it shouldn't end once the 15th rolls around. Take the time to celebrate your love in smaller ways. Romance and love is not just about that one awesome once a year date or gift, it's more about the day to day gifts you give each other. Gifts like the sexy glance you give your partner before you shower, the long kiss before leaving for work, or acknowledging when your partner has had a rough day at work. These small day to day moments when you could have went about your usual business in the bathroom, rushed off to work or complained about your day, but instead you took the time for your partner. These are the moments of romance and love, and these are the moments that build a happy and fulfilling relationship. Best of all, there's no price tag attached here. 

              Relationships are usually fun in the beginning. Getting to know each other, sharing new experiences, and first kisses are all things that create excitement and pleasure in a relationship. And many times the fun decreases as relationships progress into marriage, parenthood, work, etc. The more commitments or responsibilities put on a relationship impact how much time there is left for playfulness. Sometimes fun is put on the back burner as you take yourself more seriously in a relationship. This may seem like the perfect thing to do since it means the relationship is maturing and you are maturing. Unfortunately, making less time for fun is a mistake for your relationship.
             Having fun with your partner, whether it's spending a day at the park riding your bikes, shopping, or building a bird house together, is one of the healthiest things you can do for your relationship. Having fun is not about spending money, traveling, or doing anything new or specific. Having fun with your partner is about spending time doing something together that you get so wrapped up in, you don't want to stop and you lose track of time. It's actually quite simple. And at the same time, you can make it complicated by putting your expectations or demands on this time. You might expect to have a great conversation with your partner or demand your partner to do everything as you like it. These expectations and demands zap the fun out of any activity or time spent together, and they make future activities appear discouraging. Sometimes the best moments with your partner is when you both can be totally silly, irrelevant, and ridiculous. Which is ok because it's all done in playfulness. 
            Another way to help increase the fun in your relationship is to be playful. Don't take yourself so seriously. When you take yourself too seriously in your relationship you start to have unrealistic expectations for yourself and your partner (ie. he should know how I feel or she should do what I say without question). Which usually contributes to feelings of inadequacy or superiority. Going down this road is the opposite of fun and can make you feel miserable. Having fun with your partner is just as important as being a fun person to be around. You don't need to be the life of the party, but you shouldn't be the rain in everyone's parade either. Would you really want to spend time doing something fun with someone who complained or worried all the time? If you answered no, then also take a moment to look at how your partner might feel if you were doing those things (complaining, worrying, etc). Would you want to spend time with you? 
             If it's not easy for you or your partner to be playful or silly with each other, then that's ok. Maybe that's just not in your personality or the kind of relationship you have. But you can still be a fun person by participating, smiling, asking questions, or just cheering your partner on. So, how much fun are you to be around in your relationship?