"I feel so alone even when we're in the same room". "I've tried talking to him, but he just won't let me in". "She has stopped talking to me and I don't even know why". "I don't know if I love him anymore". These are just some of the things you may be saying to yourself if you have been emotionally abandoned by your partner. In last week's blog, I shared what emotional abandonment was and some reasons it occurs in relationships. So today let's focus on what you can do if you have been emotionally abandoned by your partner. 

Drop the blame. The first thing you must acknowledge is that it's not helpful to blame your partner or yourself for the emotional withdrawal that's happened in the relationship. Couples often get stuck in the blame game of who did what to cause the problems that arise in a relationship. This is a battle that yields zero winners. Instead of assigning blame, it's more important to engage in a cooperative stance and work with your partner to address the emotional abandonment.

Self-Reflect. If you have been emotionally abandoned, you may feel like the victim here. Don't go down that road. Victimizing yourself only contributes to blaming your partner, feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and conveys that you are closed off to solutions. You need to self-reflect in order to ask yourself: what have I done to drive my spouse away? Taking ownership of your unintentional contribution to the problem will allow your spouse to open up to you and work towards a solution. 

Start the conversation. Having a dialogue with your spouse is a step towards closing that emotional gap between you. Think about the issues you want to bring up before starting the conversation and stay away from lecturing your partner. Without accusing or blaming your partner, make time to start the conversation about the problems that exist between you. You don't need to say "I feel emotionally abandoned by you" because this may convey that it's your partner's job to change or fix the problem. 

Work on meeting your partner's needs. Many times what I hear from partners who have been emotionally abandoned is that they have given up and are just going to focus on taking care of themself (or their children, if there are any). This feels like the right thing to do for yourself, but it's not the best thing to do for your relationship. If you intend to work on the relationship, you should work on meeting your partner's needs. This includes listening to your partner, figuring out what your partner needs from you (whether it's praise, support, help around the house, etc), and making a daily effort to meet your partner's needs. This is a piece of the overall solution.

Emotional abandonment is not an easy thing to deal with on your own, so It's also very important to seek support from individuals that you can trust. You can also seek professional help from a marriage therapist or clergy if you cannot work through it on your own. Emotional abandonment doesn't have to be the norm in your relationship or the end/death of your relationship, if you still want the relationship to be re-vived. However it takes a long commitment to find a solution and close the gap that it has created in your relationship.

            Struggles and challenges can either bring couples emotionally closer or push couples emotionally further apart. This distance can also grow wider when emotional issues in the relationship stay unresolved. Eventually this can contribute to emotional abandonment. Emotional abandonment happens when one partner has "checked out" of the relationship. To the outside world, it may appear that the relationship is fine, but on the inside the relationship is suffering a slow death. Partners who have "checked out" may feel little sympathy or compassion for their partner. Often times they disengage physically, seem cold, and become complacent in the relationship. When this happens, it usually leaves the abandoned partner feeling alone, confused, disconnected, and unloved. Emotional abandonment is a harsh reality of many relationships. It may happen for many reasons, and here are few. 

Resentment. The inability to forgive your partner for past behaviors or hurt will contribute to resentment towards him or her. Time after time, the resentment grows and may stay quietly in your heart but can drive you to act in ways that will protect you from further hurt. This only makes it more difficult to open up emotionally to your partner and eventually lead to isolation.

Jealousy. Believe it or not, but jealously occurs frequently between partners in an intimate relationship. Although you may not recognize the jealousy you feel towards your partner, often times it comes out in your behaviors. Jealousy usually occurs when you believe your partner is more successful, popular, or healthy than you.  This contributes to feelings of inadequacy, and subconsciously drives you to criticize, mock, devalue, or emotionally withdraw from your partner. 

Unresolved intimacy issues. When you have been emotionally abandoned by others (ie. a parent, ex-partner) your fear of being abandoned again may contribute to your inability to open up to your current partner. This fear of intimacy is driven by your need to emotionally protect yourself and makes it harder for you to genuinely express your feelings. You may be able to show superficial emotions, but your inability to share deeper feelings will drive you to disconnect from your partner and/or engage in self-destructive behaviors outside the relationship.

Emotional abandonment can be present in a relationship for many years before any complaints or problems are addressed. That's the danger of its presence in relationships. Sometimes you may go many years in a relationship feeling empty or alone, but distracting yourself by work, children, or community involvement without realizing the toll it has taken on your relationship.  But there is hope. In next week's blog I will share some ways to address emotional abandonment in your relationship.

            Not all relationships will sustain the trials of time and human complexity. The unfortunate reality is that the longer you are in a relationship still does not guarantee that it will be happily ever after. Why some couples choose to split after years and years of marriage and others do not is a complicated question to answer and depends on what was happening in that specific relationship. In a recent blog, I touched upon a few reasons why relationships end so today's blog will focus on moving on after the fallout. 
           Is there such a thing as a blank slate or fresh start after ending a relationship? My honest answer would be 'no'. I believe we take our old relationships and bring them into our new relationships in more subtle ways than we realize. Whether it's dating a similar or opposite person than our ex, leaving to a new city, or serial dating for fun, these are all reactions to the way things ended in the previous relationship. Not that these are bad ways of coping with a break up, but it's important to realize that there is always a part of that old relationship in us. The time spent with that individual is what cannot be taken away from us despite ending the relationship. So here are some tips to help move forward from a divorce or break up. 
           Firstly, understand that a divorce/break up is a loss. If you truly loved or were committed to the relationship, you will grieve its loss. The absence of an individual who was woven tightly into your daily routine and life for years will not be an easy thing to get over. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the loss of the dreams you had for the relationship. Grieving may include feeling angry, guilty, blamed, ashamed, sadness, remorse, and more. Allow yourself to feel this way without judgement or criticizing yourself.
           Secondly, admit that the relationship is over. Staying in denial or hoping for a second chance is only going to keep you emotionally stuck. Your life is moving on whether you are emotionally present or not. What this means is that time is moving forward every day you are in denial, and the more you stay in denial the harder it will be to check back into reality. 
           Thirdly, connect with your support system. Don't try to wear a bold face or put up a front, people may not say it but they aren't buying it that you're "ok". You don't have to spill your guts to everyone every time, but acknowledging that it's been hard helps you grieve and admit the relationship is over. Spending time with friends and family is a good way to feel connected, especially since a break up can leave you feeling emotionally dead inside. I also do suggest finding one or two people whom you trust to confide your deep thoughts or feelings with. You can talk to a therapist about it too. 
         Lastly, forgive the causes of the divorce/break up. Eventually you will get to this point, and by then you will have grieved, admitted, and felt supported by those remaining in your life. I say forgive the "causes" because there may be many reasons for the ending of the relationship. There may also be things both of you were responsible for that ended the relationship so forgiveness is not just for your ex but also for yourself. There are different ways that people come about forgiveness so I don't dictate one correct method. The important part is that forgiveness will help you feel more at peace about the end of the relationship. 
          We may not get to choose many relationships in life, such as our family or who our boss is, but we always get to choose who our intimate partner is. Unfortunately, having this choice sometimes means that the relationship is not permanent and can hurt more when the relationship ends. It takes strength to work through the beginning, middle, and end of a relationship, but eventually you will get there in peace.