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Phases of Real Love

10/10/2016

, Why does being in love with someone feel different a year, three years, or ten years into the relationship? Well if the relationship has lasted longer than two years, most likely you have moved beyond the "head over heels" or "honeymoon" period that most people feel when they first meet or date. The emotions often do not feel as strong when the honeymoon fades, but in reality love gets stronger past this. According to research from the Gottman Institute, love has three phases. Building love in a relationship doesn't happen quickly and doesn't happen without some strife. However, if you get to the third phase you will have love for life.
The first phase of love is probably everyone's favorite. It's the butterflies in your stomach, heart beats fast, and take your breath away phase of love. This is the "falling in love" phase. When meeting the right person who smells, tastes, looks, and feels right in your arms, you experience a downpour of chemicals in your brain giving you pleasure in being with that person. This is why you feel the overwhelming emotions of love. Lust, passion, desire, and comfort are all examples of what most people feel. Most of the time the flooding of emotions and chemicals in your brain are the reasons why you might ignore the red flags in the relationship.
   The second phase is the "building trust" phase. This usually occurs when you feel a commitment to your partner and move towards building a foundation of trust for your relationship. Usually the high from the first phase has worn off so quirks you found cute about your partner in the first phase are now annoying habits. Red flags that were missed are also coming to your awareness and you find yourself taking a hard look at how you and your partner actually fit together. The most arguments that happen in the first two years of a relationship after this commitment step are usually about trust, loyalty, and faithfulness. So you might ask yourself "how much can I depend on you", "will you be there for me when I need you emotionally and physically", "will you have my back", "am I more important than your friends", and "will you support me". This phase usually contributes to long term decisions you make such as getting married, buying a house, merging finances, or having children. When there betrayals during this phase, you may find yourself "loving" your partner but feeling "out of love".
   The third phase is the "romantic passion" phase. When you finally get to this phase of love, you have likely weathered through many storms. Your focus is on building loyalty, commitment, and romantic passion in your relationship. On top of this, you work to cherish and realize the gratitude you have for your partner. People who get to this phase are not lucky or special in any way, but what they have done different is to focus on their partner's good qualities and minimize the bad qualities. For the relationships that reach this phase, the love lasts a lifetime.
   Love doesn't have to be a battlefield or fade so easily. Sometimes it will be about knowing when to end the relationship and start over. Sometimes it's also about knowing what you have and changing to make things work. Because when you make a commitment to the right person, work to nurture love, and cherish your partner, love has an incredibly long term pay off.

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When to Let Go

10/8/2016

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Sometimes you have to get through the bad relationships before you can find and appreciate the good ones. In my practice, I often find that people stay in bad relationships much longer than what their instincts tell them to. Why? The exact reason varies, but usually they are conflicted about whether the reason to leave is good enough. Although not absolute, here are some signs you can use to figure out whether to stay or bail out of your relationship.

Sign 1: Your partner’s personality negatively influences you.
Here it’s important to know what you like and what you like about yourself when you’re with your partner. When you are in a healthy relationship, it will naturally bring out the best in you. Your kindness, generosity, sense of humor, playfulness, or adventurousness should be enhanced when you’re with your partner. It’s a very bad sign of an unhealthy relationship if you are finding that you act or feel more negative when you’re with your partner. Bail out of relationships that do this to you.

Sign 2: There’s a dominance of “me” instead of “we” in the relationship.
An integral part of committing to each other is putting the relationship ahead of personal gains. In a healthy relationship, your partner is on your side even when you’re hurting, mad, or wrong. If you find that you’re working hard to pay the bills, while your partner spends recklessly on personal items. Or if you find yourself feeling emotionally abandoned, then it’s time to consider a bail out.

Sign 3: The bad times outweigh the good times.
Every healthy relationship will have conflict, but often times the conflict makes the relationship stronger by tightening the intimacy, trust, and reliability between the couple. But when conflict makes you grow apart, you’re in deep trouble. The conflict then becomes a source of anger and resentment, rather than a time of growth, and making good memories overshadowed by the bad.

Getting through tough times makes a relationship stronger so don't necessarily bail out at the first sign of trouble. However, when all of these signs are present and have been lingering in your relationship, it's time to consider whether the relationship is worth saving. You may find that saving yourself by bailing out is the best way for both you and your partner to be in a healthy place to find a better suited partner.

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Relationship Forgiveness

9/25/2016

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For better or worse, that's usually how many marriages begin. We are familiar with the "for better" part and it's wonderful when you experience it in your marriage. The "for worse" part is what usually stops most of us in our tracks and leads to internal questioning and doubt of the relationship. Sometimes you can get through it and sometimes you can't fathom how you could. What happens when the transgression is so huge or so hurtful, that the "for worse" part is unbearable? How do you go about forgiving your partner so you can repair the relationship?
Let's first look at forgiveness. Following the Enright process model of forgiveness, we learn that forgiveness is a journey leading toward beneficence rather than resentment or revenge towards the person who has hurt you. Forgiveness does not require approval or condoning the actions of the offense, reconciliation with the offender, or even remorse from the offender. However, forgiveness serves the one who gives it because it allows you to move forward in life without holding onto anger or resentment.
Forgiveness is often much needed in marriages, and sometimes very difficult to give. I can't say what betrayals in a marriage should be forgiven or not. However, it's very likely that a marriage will not withstand much further without forgiveness. So if you're reading this to figure how you can practice forgiveness, then I can offer what the process of forgiving looks like.
Start by reflecting on who and what was done to hurt you and then confront how the hurt or betrayal has changed your life. You can't forgive your partner until you acknowledge what they have done and the physical or emotional consequences of their actions. You may stay at this step for awhile, but that's ok. Forgiveness is a process.
Deciding to forgive is the next step. Forgiveness is a free choice and only truly frees you from pain when you choose it. It cannot be forced or forged, it must be genuine. Sometimes this takes a really long time because the hurt runs so deep. Beware that it is common for us to become accustomed to the anger and hurt we hold onto. So allow yourself time to reach this step, but be mindful not to stay too long.
Finally, you work towards forgiveness by opening your view to yours and your partner's thoughts and feelings, walking in your partner's shoes when he/she hurt you, and courageously bearing the pain of the betrayal. This does not mean things go back to the way they were or that forgiveness erases any emotional scarring from the betrayal. However, it allows for a possibility of rebuilding trust.
Betrayals are painful reminders that we are human and that marriages are imperfect. Getting through the "for worse" part of a marriage can sometimes take months or years. This may be one of the reasons why getting through it is so difficult and people quit before they do get through it. But there is always a path to forgiveness if you are willing to take it. Although forgiveness may not be the cure all for the betrayal, it's a place to start healing.

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Co-habitation Pitfalls

8/14/2016

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It's a common practice in this day and age for couples to cohabitating before marriage. Whether this choice is for your relationship or not will be determined by you. However beware that only 26% of women and 19% of men reported they actually ended up marrying a partner they lived with before marriage. This means the odds are not in your favor in this case. So why do people continue to do this and why does living together result less in marriage than not living together? Let's take a look at some of the reasons that might make you less likely to marry if you live together first.

1) COMMITMENT ISSUES: Cohabitating is actually a really good way to mask commitment problems a person has. By living together you trick yourself or your partner tricks you into thinking that you are committed for the long haul. When actually the cohabitating serves as a "trial and error" period for the relationship. Marriage is not trial and error and does not need to "test" the relationship for compatibility. Marriage is a deliberate choice to be life mates, not just roommates.

2) SEPARATE BUT UNEQUAL: There's usually an absence of joining of responsibilities or life goals when you're cohabitating. So there isn't a mentality of "ours" but rather "mine" and "yours". You're more likely to operate as two separate entities because your needs are as separates. This means that if one of you advances, the other is more likely to feel dis-empowered or left behind. This can create a rift in the relationship and lead you or your partner to look out for your own self interest rather than the interest of the relationship.

3) ROMANCE FIZZLE: One of the great things about dating is having that distance to miss each other. This is where dating actually has a leg up over marriage. However, this advantage will dwindle when you live with your partner because you get used to seeing each other everyday. Finding a way to spark the romance can be stressful on a relationship. While this is something all marriages face, it's harder to face this while you're dating because it can discourage you from moving onto the next step of marriage.

4) IT CAN COVER A BAD RELATIONSHIP: After living with someone for such a time, you have invested time and may have even accumulated things (ie. pets, furniture) that make it hard to leave the relationship. You may also be comfortable in the lifestyle and share the same circle of friends that you might even deny the signs of an unhealthy relationship. At the same time, you may be hesitant to move the relationship forward. So you end up being unhappy and staying longer than you really should in a bad relationship.

5) ALL THE RISKS WITHOUT THE BENEFITS: Cohabitating will test your relationship financially, romantically, and morally like what a marriage goes through. Except through your trials, there is little assurance that your partner will be fighting on your side since there's always an easy exit for the relationship. Cohabitating is often seen as a temporary choice and serves the here and now. Whereas in a marriage, these trials allow your relationship to grow since marriage is seen as a permanent decision.

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Attachment and Relationships

8/14/2016

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If you’ve ever wondered why you keep having the same kind of relationships and they always end the same way, then consider looking at your attachment style. The bonds you formed during childhood with caregivers can shed some light on how you are forming relationships now.

Secure attachment: this is what we all aim for. This occurs when your needs as a child is met by your parents with the appropriate response. You see your parents as a secure and reliable base, giving you freedom to separate and explore the world with confidence. This results in the ability to establish long and trusting relationships, a calm disposition, and self esteem.

Ambivalent attachment: Results from inconsistent attention from the parent during childhood, making you uncertain of when your needs will be met. This creates anxiety in a child. On one hand you are constantly trying to get the parent’s attention but also fearful of impending neglect. As an adult, you struggle to form long lasting relationships for fear that your partner doesn’t love you and often feel insecure when there is separation from your partner. You will also seek approval from those around you for fear of being alone.

Avoidant attachment: Neglectful, rejecting and insensitive caregiving to the needs of the child teaches the child that there is no relying on the caregiver who will not be responsive to the child’s needs. Often viewed as "independent" and "mature" as a child, but as an adult you struggle with intimacy and may actually avoid it. You are uncomfortable sharing thoughts and feelings and do not receive praise well since you feel patronized by it.

Disorganized attachment: Shows both ambivalent and avoidant attachment due to frightening situations and role confusion from the environment. Inner confusion and anger can result in rage and violence towards themselves and others. You struggle to feel remorse for your outbursts, feel misunderstood by others, and alone. As an adult, you may seek relationships to meet your needs, but feel fearful when things get emotionally close. You often have trouble recognizing your partner’s feelings and can become emotionally explosive when you feel misunderstood.

Most people have secure attachments. And although you may have loving caregivers during infancy, sometimes life takes a turn that affects your attachment style (ie. death of a parent, divorce, or abuse). Sometimes you may lean more towards one side than the other, being more avoidant or more ambivalent. What happens in adulthood is that you may be repeating relationship patterns due to unawareness of or unresolved feelings from early attachment. And although you may not need to heal these feelings with your caregivers, creating your life story with understanding about these feelings will help you to move forward in creating new relationship patterns.

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